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S5 Huddy revisited ep. 23-24

2009-12-04T21:03:30Z

Okay, there was some profound stuff going on and I am quite sure I missed parts of it, but this is merely ONE way to look at the eppy and I would be happy to hear your thoughts on the things that happened.

5.23 Under my Skin

Beautifully picks up where the last episode left them: House going to Cuddy in a moment where he couldn’t feel any worse.

And then the writers start telling two different possible stories.

In reality he does what he always does: takes out his anger on others, knowing this is the way it will hurt him most, by hurting someone he cares for. It’s the old concept of self-destruction all over again.

In his head, though, he does what he would like to do and his head tells a story that also serves as a transition from the old House to the new House we get to know after Mayfield: He tells her he needs her because she’s the only one who knows him and who can deal with his addiction. And subconsciously he knows that this is what Cuddy needs to hear, because in his hallucination this is what makes her go home with him, makes her abandon her child for this evening, something the game of this season has been about a lot: the struggle for Cuddy’s attention that has been taken by the baby.

I could rant on about this episode forever because there’s just so much to be said about the beautiful interaction between the two.
But one can summarize it quite simply. She is the one. The one he wants by his side, the one he isn’t ashamed of to show his weaknesses, the one who is allowed to be with him when he vomits, the one who holds his hand when he is in pain. The one who takes away his pain. Again and again.
However, since he’s still being the self-desctructive master of misery he would never allow himself to be loved in reality and we should have known that this was all just a hallucination, but – meh – we’re just fools for love…

And did I just hear for the first time that they share a past of 20 years?
Ehm. And there’s people out there who still believe he belongs with anybody else than her?
But then again…there’s also people out there who think we’re all remote-controlled by aliens living in the earth core...

They sat next to each other in Endocrinology class (*flail*) and House wishes that it was her who already had a crush on him back then and we now know that this is actually the truth, though he also already had a crush on her back then.
So, in a nutshell: House wishes for Cuddy to love him, which is more than just wishing to get into her pants.
It is more than the hallucinated striptease we saw last season. Because things have changed between House and Cuddy. They are no longer just friends, there’s strings attached now that the idea of them becoming lovers has been put out there by this kiss.

Which is why House this time doesn’t hallucinate the mere exposure of Cuddy’s body parts but a loving Cuddy. She saved his life many times, the last time in season 4, which is why he hallucinates her doing it again, holding his hand, resuscitating him with her kisses, this time not only bringing him back to life, but walking him into his new life. Rewarding him with her love in the end.
I agree with ghoasty Amber: It’s a nice story that House made up in his head.

The coolest thing about this hallucination is, that the hallucinated Cuddy is so overwhelming and so strong that she manages to push Amber aside for at least the duration of the hallucinated sex. Anything else would have been beyond creepy.

Then comes the revelation of House always wanting to kiss Cuddy.
So like everything else House is feeling in that hallucination, that is simply the truth. And is it just me or does this moment resemble the scene in LTEC again? Where Cuddy is the one to mention the fact that the two of them should be kissing and where this time House doesn’t do anything stupid but lets her make the next move and she does make it finally (only because she is the hallucinated better version of herself) by kissing him. Softly and shyly, more like a teaser. Only to allow him to kiss her back. But not at all softly.

Ehm. And then my mind just always goes blank while I drool over my keyboard and die.

Because I just love how House closes the door and pushes her against the wall. And all she can do is let out those incredibly aroused sighs and help him undress her as fast as possible. It’s like they’ve been waiting for this the whole night (plus twenty years). And it certainly satisfies us who have been waiting for this five years after all.
I mean…he pushes her against the wall and then they’re just all over each other and we get to see what that kiss in “Joy” would have ended like had they not stopped it back then. And it’s just - *dies and rises to Huddy heaven for the umpteenth time*

*returns after a cold shower*

Anyway. I personally never cared whether this was a hallucination or not. Somehow I was relieved it was a hallucination 'cause three times is a charm, right? Who knows what their third kiss will bring?
Also, even if it was a hallucination, it was House’s, which means that this really is what he wants.
This is what’s going on under his skin. Cuddy. Because she is the one getting under his skin.

And now I’m off to rewatch the scene again.
‘Cause I’ve come to depend on it, I’m a vampire sucking on the blood of Huddy love.

5.24 Both Sides Now

“It’s love’s illusions I recall” as Joni Mitchell sings in her song “Both Sides Now”.

And just like that we get to know the other side of the hallucination, or the other one of two possible outcomes. We get to know what things looked like from the outside, or even from Cuddy’s point of view.

And it is sad that the messy to-and-fro that has been going on between them culminates in these two contradicting parallels: the hallucinated Cuddy being by his side, loving him, making love to him.
While the actual Cuddy happens to be the one we get to see in Both Sides Now.
There we get so see an angry, upset Cuddy who finally understood that all House ever does to her is hurting and who decided for good that it is better for all of them if she just lets go of the idea of the two of them ever becoming more. A development that has been hinted at during the past two or three episodes already and that will continue throughout season 6 (at least up to the point we all know).

So let’s see what happens in this episode.

There we have House totally flirting with her, obsessing with her throughout the whole episode, obviously still aroused by whatever he hallucinated with her, but what took at least 1 hour and a half and what must have been really good to get him in such a chipper mood.

And we have Cuddy who is first of all way too cranky to have had good sex that night and who is also used to his sexist remarks, which is why she doesn’t pay any attention to them. Though they do seem to make even less sense to her this time.
All that Cuddy knows is that she has been hurt, again, and has decided over a good night’s sleeplessness that she would have to abandon the thought of a relationship with him, for good (and hire her own personal “private dick” instead).

Though in that office scene in the beginning, she can hardly hide her own doubts while proposing their relationship should remain strictly professional from now on, as she still finds his sexist jokes amusing and knows she will never be able to stop loving him.
However, she does seriously mean this and even speaks of the possibility of him trying to find another job. Which he in return takes as a sign that this night was not just sex to her, but obviously meant something.

At this point we all should have known that this whole sexing was just a hallucination, because Cuddy would have behaved a lot more strangely, given how she freaked out after only a kiss. Which is probably exactly what irritates House.

To find out more about this puzzle he first goes to Wilson to spread the gossip and then tries to find “scientific prove” of her love by taking thermal pictures of her.
Eh. Weird way of dealing with it, but I guess House already senses that something’s generally weird anyway.

He knows that the only time when Cuddy lets out her deepest emotions is when he makes her angry – proven by the kiss in “Joy” – so to get an honest revelation of her feelings he spends the rest of the episode trying to make her angry, to squeeze some emotional response out of her, not understanding why she is being so perfectly calm.
Cuddy, however, knows why she is calm: Because she is refusing to allow House to hurt her again, like he hurt her the day before. And because she doesn’t have those pictures of steamy sex with him in her head, unlike House.

Then comes my absolute favorite scene with our threesome meeting in Cuddy’s office. It is a scene that reminds me why I love Huddy and the House/Wilson/Cuddy triangle so much.
Wilson is totally freaking out about his two best friends hooking up with each other, representing thousands of Huddy fans out there. He watches them during their banter in amazement, wondering how there can still be so much sexual tension after a night of hot loving. He realizes the only reason why there is so much tension is because House is totally "on Cuddy", instead of being on Vicodin. House must be in a hormone rush, ready to overdose on his ~~boss~~ hallucinated lover, and Wilson who instantly senses catastrophe coming up tries to intervene, because he knows if House screws this up then a lot will be lost.
And Cuddy? Still perfectly calm, determined to get out of this love trap she’s found herself being caught in with House. And she’s playing it well and we get great chemistry and UST in this scene, which just proves that there’s enough tension between these two to last throughout a relationship. These two are matter and anti-matter. There’ll always be tension, as long as House and Cuddy have scenes together.

But why is this episode focussing so much on House’s obsession with Cuddy?

One answer is that the biggest part of the season focussed on House trying to start a relationship with her, something he thinks he succeeded in by the end of the previous episode. So naturally, he finds himself at ground zero now and the first thing he realizes is, that he is again painfree, much like he has been painfree before whenever things were going great between him and Cuddy. Of course the real reason for the lack of his pain is that he’s not overdosing on her lipstick at all but on those shiny white pills in his Vicodin bottle. But as long as he doesn’t know that he thinks she is the reason for his lack of pain, she is the only one who can make him better.

The only off thing however, is that Cuddy apparently left him after that night and that’s never a good sign.
So. It’s a puzzle he naturally has to figure out.
And that’s the other answer to House’s obsession with Cuddy in this episode: he knows she is the key to the rabbit hole.

And there is another parallel to the finale of season 4: House knows something is wrong, so wrong that he knows finding out will destroy him, nevertheless, he has to find out, because that’s just his MO.

House, of course, succeeds in making Cuddy angry. More so, he succeeds – once more – in making her cry. But does he get the reaction he was aiming for? Does he get a revelation of her love for him?
No. He gets fired. Just like that. Proving just how deeply determined Cuddy is to move on, without him. Which makes him follow her, heading full frontal for the ugly truth. He is seeking the self-destruction button, just like he did in last season’s finale. And Cuddy plays along, seeking the Huddy-love-destruction button.

So in contrast to his hallucination Cuddy isn’t the one to resuscitate him, but to push the knife deeper, to make him realize the ultimate truth: that he made it all up. That she has not been with him at all. And worse: that he was alone all that time. Alone with his ghosts.

Cuddy’s anger instantly resolves when she realizes that House is in a serious condition, she runs for him from the shelter behind her desk – the desk that has been there in the open like an untold truth – and holds him. All her anger forgotten, all her frustration and denial of her feelings pushed, she looks up at him and sees the pain he goes through while he realizes that instead of having made love to her he has been overdosing on his pills.
He wanted her (or simply love or closeness or maybe just a hint of happiness) to be his addiction, but he failed.
He holds on to her, trying to make this memory of their shared night stick a while longer, trying to make it more real, but it won’t work.
It disappears, unmasked as the hallucination it was and it leaves him with nothing.
Because he still doesn’t have Cuddy, but is stuck with his addiction – and worse: his insanity (as in "the lack of his genius mind") on top of that.

This whole season House has been trying to establish relationships with people, he tried to reach out, tried to be a better person without changing at the core, knowing he had to change after Amber’s death. And that put Wilson and Cuddy in the spotlight, both representing the two most important relationships in life: the friends and the lovers.

While it worked out with Wilson we see House stumbling through his relationship with Cuddy, which is a frustrating experience. His need to be with her draws itself through the whole season culminating in the hallucination where House sees Cuddy as his only hope, his only chance out of insanity. Where he perceives her the love of his life who has been waiting for him ever since med school, who is there for him, no matter what, who helps him out of the addiction and who ultimately loves him physically and emotionally. That is big.

Indeed, even outside his hallucination, Cuddy is the one he turns to, he involves when he realizes his world is falling apart.

And yet, in the end, it is Wilson who takes him to the mental institution, leaving House and Cuddy out in the open, with all the questions about what they are and what they could be unanswered.

This last breakdown which made them both hit rockbottom (following House’s and Wilson’s Ground Zero experience) showed Cuddy just how deep he could drag her into his dark spiral of misery.
I am quite sure that this is one of the reasons (besides the existence of Luddy) why in the beginning of season 6 they choose a slower pace, why they are being careful around each other and why there's a general background noise of angst between them now. "The frisky is gone" for good and it will definitely take some time for those sores to heal, let alone become a foundation for something more.
Cuddy was the one who got hurt most during House’s meltdown (besides House himself of course), which may be a reason why she didn’t take him to Mayfield herself. Because she needed to break free to breathe some sane air.

* * * * *

*sighs*
This was the season 5 frenzy of Huddy revisited and it is all starting to make sense now.
It also leaves me optimistic.
No one goes through that much trouble without a bit of redemption in the end.
Huddy has to happen. Anything else would just be – wrong. And a lot of wasted energy and above all: time.

Or are you less optimistic?
Do you sense even more catastrophe?
Do you still trust the writers?

s5 Huddy revisited ep. 19-22

2009-12-02T09:35:41Z

Okay, generally the episodes preceeding the steamiest hallucination of the millennium were pretty low on Huddy. But, the obsessed shipper only sees that as a good sign: Because the writers know they'll give the viewers a lot of Huddy they decide to keep it down a bit before and after those eppys not to annoy the non-Huddys out there too much. Also, this gives me hope for the current season. They are soooo low on the actual Huddy (if you don't count the badly timed loving that's going on right now) that we almost have to assume there's a big bang of Huddy love out there waiting to happen. Am I being really delusional right now? Well, but 'tis the Season, isn't it? One may believe in miracles. So...let's get it over with and quickly move on.

5.19 Locked in

While it’s obvious that this title refers to House himself, it’s also a very good episode about a very tragic condition, that just recently became focus of the media again. The story is beautifully told and written and filmed. And while we generally don’t get much Huddyness in this episode we do get one thing and that is another complete stranger picking up on the love going on between House and Cuddy.
Everybody else sees them as a couple, labeling and defining them already.
What is it that is still keeping them apart? Which leads us back to the title.
House is locked in, he tries to get out, but it won’t work.
And Wilson puts it out there in the open: He’ll end up alone.

5.20 Simple Explanation

This is it.
The episode that finally pushes House off the edge and triggers the overdosing on Vicodin. Just like Amber, Kutner is one of the few fellows House really respected for one reason: they reminded him a lot of himself. And just like in Amber’s case House feels guilty about Kutner’s death. Because he should have seen it coming, shouldn't he?
Cuddy knows that. Wilson knows that.
Which is why they care and worry about House, who is not attending the funeral but looking for answers, why he is still alive and why he missed what was going on inside Kutner, when of all the people around Kutner he should have been the one to see it.
Well, but that's what happens when you are one self-obsessed child, House...
The pain of Amber’s death that has been smoldering under the surface for months now burns up and threatens to destroy the House we know, it's pretty much the catharsis that is needed to eventually lead to a happy ending of the show. Only, at this point we couldn't be any further away from a happy end.

5.21 Saviors

Yah, Chase is our true savior popping the question we’ve all been asking ourselves: Is Cuddy in love with House.
And she can’t even look him in the eye while she’s avoiding the answer to that, suddenly getting utterly interested in staring at the paper in front of her, shaking her head nervously without actually finding the word “No” in her brain.
Cause she doesn’t know she has to look for it in the lies-and-self-deception-section in her brain.
And then Cameron hits the bull’s eye a second time when Cuddy “marks her territory” – big time. She even asks House if there was still something going on between him and Cameron.
Is this high school, or a hospital?
And Cuddy admits that it is indeed a bad idea to be with House. But while Cameron is still young and has her whole life in front of her Cuddy’s life is already a mess, so what’s the damage?
Oh Cuddy, you learned from the best, you’re actually playing the game House has been playing for years. You don’t want to be with him, but you also don’t want anybody else to be with him.
This is just ... unhealthy.

5.22 House divided

While House is throwing the bachelor party of the century we learn an interesting fact about Cuddy’s and Wilson’s relationship: Apparently Wilson has put Cuddy as an emergency contact on his list, since Cuddy knew that Wilson was found drunk outside by the police. Or is there another explanation for that? Tell me if I missed anything.
It just makes the viewer wonder just how deep the relationship of the threesome between House, Cuddy and Wilson is. More than ever do they look like a close circle of friends to the outsider. Which also explains why the show shifts its focus on Wilson and Cuddy even more in season 6.
On the angsty stuff:
Cuddy knows very well that something is deeply wrong with House, but she doesn’t have the guts to stand up and take care of him, possibly because she fears at this point it’s already too severe for her to be able to handle it (I mean, she does have a toddler to take care of at home...)
Or it’s her drawing the consequences after he had told her he wasn’t going to change for her or anybody and refused to take the methadone.
Or maybe she isn’t willing to help him as long as he isn’t willing to change.
Whatever it is, her help is exactly what House would need but wouldn’t tell her. Yet.

S5 Huddy revisited, ep. 16-18

2009-11-25T21:16:17Z

5.16 The softer side

“You slept with House.”

Wilson, shame on your dirty mind, that the first thing you think of when House is in a good mood is your ship entering the harbor of lust.
But, you have a point. House is in a very good mood.
And Cuddy agrees, sex with her would explain that. Eh, all narcissists in this office: Please raise your hand now!

Apparently, Wilson is not the only one thinking about House and Cuddy doing it.

“I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?”

Of all the people in the room it’s Cuddy who examines him?
For the umpteenth time this season we see them casually sharing a physical closeness that could make anybody believe they’ve also been sharing a bed for quite a while now.

So. House is now on Methadone. Only weeks ago we learned his pain was increasing in severity. And now it obviously reached a point where he needs to do something about it.
In fact, he is now ready to turn his whole life upside down if that means he can ease the pain.
Interestingly, all this only recently turned into a problem, right after Cuddy shut House out of her life by letting a baby in (remember, Painless followed the Joy to the World eppy). It seems like Cuddy was the reason why House’s pain issue hasn’t come up earlier. Which again hints towards Cuddy being the one thing that can make him painless. And let’s revisit the past.
Wasn’t it Cuddy who gave him the Ketamine in the end of season 2, thereby making him pain free? And wasn’t it Cuddy who lied in court so he would be able to continue taking his pills? Oh…and let’s not forget the upcoming finale when it’s Cuddy’s lipstick that House confuses with his Vicodin vial.
Hm. Okay. I think we get the message. Cuddy eases his pain. But what sets it off – apart from the usual weltschmerz?
Well, we’ll be reminded of that in a few episodes…

Then we get that sweet scene with the two of them once more talking about something and actually talking about something else.

Cuddy tells him she didn’t want him to die. And she really means it.
He tells her it was none of her business.
Instead of telling him it was her business since she loved him, she deflects and makes this all professional, claiming he wasn’t going to be allowed to be on Methadone while working for her, blabla.
Which makes him quit.
And Cuddy holds him back.

“You’re choosing Methadone over this – job?”
While the word “job” clearly is not what Cuddy wanted to say proven by the fact that she needs a moment to find this word only to pronounce it oddly.
“I’m choosing lack of pain over this job”, again, meaning he was choosing lack of pain over her.
Which means she (i.e. the change in her life) is after all the reason for the increase of his pain.

He is trying to break free, to move on, just like she moved on in her life and just like Wilson is moving on in his.
He shaves, he is looking for other options, something that will make him feel better.
And then Cuddy caves – who wouldn’t at the sight of this handsome shaved guy standing in her office - and offers him his job back.

“We both know this is where you belong” (by my side, she adds in her mind).
And instantly House's misery kicks back in. Because he can’t break free.
He is indeed part of her life, and she is part of his life. For better or for worse.
He’ll just have to find another way to deal with his pain since running from it is no longer an option.

Cuddy, naturally seeking any opportunity to be close to him, makes it her personal responsibility to administer the Methadone, sensing a chance for the two of them in this newly gained happiness of him.
Only to realize that he won’t continue the Methadone, because the pain is what keeps him alert. She sees all her hopes getting washed away by his misery again and accuses him of being afraid to be happy (with her and in general).
He picks up on the frustration and asks her “Why do you care if I’m happy?”
There. He knows it. And he wants to hear it from her.
But never underestimate their bad timing. Now he is ready, but she isn’t.
In LTEC she was ready but he wasn’t. Cycles that will never match up…

So the pause that follows is one of the longest most tension filled pauses ever, a lot like the one in LTEC, only way more emotional, showing us that this ship has changed course and is no longer just a fun ship of endless banter and snark, but also of angst, vulnerability and held back emotions.
And instead of eye sex it’s filled with a lot of eye-loving until Cuddy can’t allow her eyes giving away her feelings any longer and breaks eye contact with him, looking down in defeat. Heck, that was intense. I almost saw the words forming on her lips, her eyes were practically shooting arrows of love in his direction. And she almost lost control over it until she realized she wasn’t ready to put herself out there again, not after what had happened the last time she had done that.
She desperately needs him to go on with the Methadone, thereby telling him that this is their chance, that there could be more in his life than his puzzles if he is painfree, that he should for once try to change.
However, he chooses his job, his puzzles over their chance and throws the Methadone away, throwing another chance away even though she begged him not to do it.

“This is the only me you get”, he tells her and leaves her in his office, alone, and in pain.

With these words he really made sure she understood that he very well knew what her true reasons for her involvement in this whole Methadone drama were. And they were far from a professional motive.

Then we are left with a Cuddy who couldn’t look any more in need of a hug.
House! Come back.
Nevertheless, this is somewhat the end of the Huddy Arc Part II. The Post-Baby-Arc.
It showed us that. while in general nothing has changed between them and their feelings for each other, Cuddy needs House to change. Because she (her life, at least) has changed, too. It is now a life of commitment and responsibilities and that is why Huddy naturally becomes a lot more sincere, too.

5.17 The social contract

House shows his romantic side once more, acknowledging her (unvoluntary) revelation of her feelings towards him.
See? There they are. Those baby steps. Which are more like microbe steps, but we take whatever we get. (Still, for two people with a loud ticking biological clock they really take their time!)
While they never know how to admit their feelings directly but always through a gesture or through Wilson, House this time chooses a patient and lands a field goal, making her smile like we’ve never seen her smile before.

Also, House’s and Wilson’s relationship advances further, showing how House is gradually improving his social skills. He is capable of doing that with Wilson because he and Wilson have already hit rock bottom in their mutual relationship and it can only get better, they have already done the hurting, the hating, the breaking up. They have been honest with each other, they can start all over.
The House/Wilson relationship is way ahead of the House/Cuddy relationship, but it’s also another rehearsal for it since it allows House to mature.

5.18 Here Kitty

The only thing worth mentioning is the to-die-for scene in her office. While she is showing off her legs and buttocks he checks her out nonchalantly and sublimates his primordial need by sucking on a lollipop instead of popping her lolly….
Oh….and is this yet ANOTHER comfortably close moment between these two? Am I watching these two actually already being in a relationship there? It begins to look like it a lot.
Maybe that’s their screwed up way of getting together: getting used to being together before actually defining this togetherness as a relationship. Moreover, who needs to define anything anyway? Anyway, I enjoyed it, because it was uncomplicated for a change and we see that the writers could totally pull off a Huddy relationship because it's made of ~~snark~~ awesome.

S5 Huddy revisited ep. 13-15

2009-11-19T19:37:23Z

5.13 Big Baby

So. While this was a perfect example of the lack of sexual tension of the Ham, this was also another very sad example of House’s dependency in Cuddy. He tries to play the boss-employee game with Cameron, but she just doesn’t understand the rules. House is really trying to make this work, maybe even out of respect for Cuddy’s need to stay at home, but in the end it’s once again Cuddy’s interference with the case that leads to the puzzle making sense to House.

(Also, when he walks in on Cuddy’s an Cameron’s discussion about how to play the game, he makes sure he sits down in the chair with the best view of Cuddy’s behind.)

And we learn a lot about Cuddy’s dysfunctional emotional state. She cannot find herself loving this baby. Does that make her a bad person? Not at all. But it sure shows that she herself isn’t quite in touch with her feelings which once again proves she has more in common with House than we all think. Only that she is deeply worried about her emotional state while House apparently got used to his.

After we've once more seen that Wilson really can’t keep his blabbermouth shut at all we also find out that House can’t help but care for what is going on in Cuddy’s life.
Having seen the baby surrounded by the nurses in the clinic he walks straight towards Cud-Meron’s office, knowing he will find Cuddy there and tries to talk some sense into Cuddy, playing the advocate of the devil. It’s his usual game of negating things in the most destructive way to prove the contrary to people. And apparently it works, his brutal honesty is exactly what Cuddy needs.
And then they share a moment of eye-loving.
And House instantly leaves after Cuddy leaves. Because with Cameron in the room now he has no reason whatsoever to stay in that office.

Oh, and Cuddy isn’t even mad at Wilson for squeeing…does that mean she wanted Wilson to tell House?

Well, in the end we learn that Rachel is a lot like House: She’s annoying, she likes to see Cuddy getting edgy and wants to be yelled at, she likes to touch Cuddy’s boobs and she loves to spit her vomit onto people.
And once Cuddy found a way to deal with the strange baby in her life she is called back to the hospital because she is also the only one who can deal with House. It seems like an unnerving challenge to have to deal with two babies, however, Cuddy knows it’s her calling.
So in the end we see Cuddy leaving her little baby to spend time with the big baby.

I think that kind of makes House, Rachel and Cuddy a family.

Duh, and that scene with Cuddy visiting House with Rachel...that could have been stolen from a dozen tacky fanfiction stories.
House is the first one we see who gets to hold Rachel, not even fangirl Wilson was allowed to do that (because he brings pretty oversized ugly presents and is a little too much around anyway, with his supernatural sense for emotional crises).
And while we watch this scene we all feel it. What is it with those late night office visits? Is it the light? Is it the time of day when the world calms down, the day dims the lights and the sorrows seem to fade into the night? This scene shares the peace of a winter evening with snow and the darkness swallowing all sound and disturbing colors and shapes, softening the world.
There is a sincere, intimate calm to this scene. They are comfortable, relaxed and share a beautiful moment of peace.
Yes. Another moment of closeness.
It’s subtle, but this comfortable, almost natural closeness is what the writers have been giving us a lot of after that kiss. And will continue to give us from now on, bit by bit.
It’s a lovely scene, one of those moments when they both are soft and unguarded, when they are just being themselves around each other. Unfortunately (and interestingly), House almost always has his epiphanies in these scenes which always ruins whatever might have evolved from those intimate moments.
Maybe, these two would be married by now would the epiphanies not always destroy the mojo of the scene.

5.14 The greater good

Cuddy: “When I was being a jerk you suddenly act human but when I act human you turn back into a jerk.”
House: “Guess our cycles aren’t matched up yet.”
(About that: I once read an article about the observation that people who sleep in the same room do have matched up cycles after a while...)

Between the lines it's a classic story about the malcommunication between the genders.
Here they are trying to figure out how to function in this new setting that includes a baby.
Cuddy is trying to get back at him for dragging her away from the child showing her really mean side. Really mean.(But it's fun, isn't it?) House is just being himself, trying to figure out in what way her feelings for him might have changed.
So, naturally, to communicate they need to initiate a game, their usual courtship display.
In the end they acknowledge that basically nothing has changed, that they still play their roles perfectly, which leaves at least Cuddy satisfied. (And of course, the writers gave us yet another pretty scene with the two of them sitting in the hallway of the hospital, talking, side by side, their shoulders almost touching and it's like there's nothing else going on in that hospital. And is it just me or do you guys also just love it when Cuddy stops the doors between them from closing? Whether it's the elevator doors or the door to his apartment, I simply enjoy the metaphor...)
But all the intimacy of this moment put aside, what we do see is that they both have problems understanding the deeper meaning of their behavior around each other.
House –being a guy - picks the easy solution blaming it all on her hormones.
Cuddy – being a woman – reads a lot more into this and figures House’s behavior shows that he accepts her apology and maybe even her recent decision in her life.

Well, there we go. Men are from Mars, Women from Venus.

Oh...and he has just another epiphany while talking to her.
Which proves, that while men and women can’t be around each other, nature still needs them to be because that’s just what makes things work. In the end, this was a much lighter episode after all the baby drama and the awkwardness we finally see old-style House and Cuddy with just a little more craziness to it.
But it's comforting to all of us that they have remained ~~almost~~ the same. No sharks, no jumps.

5.15 Unfaithful

“For better or for worse you’re part of my life.”

Aw. A beautiful line delivered like an accusation. (Yet, it says SO much about their relationship.)
Cuddy, you just really know how to kill the romance, just as much as House does.

The prop item of this episode is the elevator. While in shows like Grey's Anatomy the elevator is the place where nonverbal love and eye sex are going on most of the time and where awkwardness is a frequent traveler, on this show it's the place of lies and missed chances. Instead of pushing the STOP button for a quickie to relieve some of that UST we find House and Cuddy denying their feelings, shutting each other out of their lives, being destructive and manipulative.
However, the queen of manipulation this time is Cuddy.
She is the one totally messing things up between them. After their showdown in LTEC the baby put their dance around each other on hold. House is accepting that change in her life, remaining calm, holding himself back a lot these days.
So it’s Cuddy again now, who is trying to figure out how to deal with her feelings for House and her new role as a mother, because she feels that there is something there that still has to be figured out.
This tells us a lot about Cuddy, seeing that she is not only a woman who pursues her goals, but that she is quite a freak herself for being pretty mean and cold at times. On the outside, at least. (I mean, how rude is it to uninvite someone from a party even random Australian employees attend?)
She behaves very confusingly, inconsistently and childishly about this.
First she invites him, then she tells Wilson she doesn't want House there, so she uninvites him, then Cameron tells her to invite him again and she does try to - nonverbally - invite him again and in the end she’s sad that he doesn’t appear.

The thing is that she really wants him in her life, but doesn’t know if that’s what she wants for her child, a problem that she is apparently still facing these days.
Of course, it would be honest to just tell House that, but that would also be mature and functional. So, not an option for this relationship.

House is no better, though. He doesn’t want to appear as the sad guy he is who wouldn’t have any plans on a Friday night, so he makes up the hooker alibi.
And he knows she wants him there and still doesn’t appear on her doorstep.
There are people who choked on their pride rather than swallowing it, guys.

However, even this disappointing display of their continuing malcommunication does not end without another one of their intimate moments. Ever since "Let them eat cake" there has been one of those scenes per episode, almost as if the tension in LTEC did somehow implode and is now filling them with a calm glow on the inside.
So, yes, the comfortable Huddy moment of this eppy is them meeting at the door on their way out into their - separate - lives. Here it’s just the two of them once again, coexisting just fine, as long as they shut the rest of the world out.
It is then when Cuddy almost brings up the courage to invite him, when he breaks that connection again.
She deserves this denial of a second chance, though, because this whole episode was a really sad display of her doubts in her feelings for House. She was being unfaithful to herself and House was right after all: She’s a hypocrite.
In the end, they part. Hurting, getting hurt in return. And it is one of the most heartbreaking pictures to watch them walking in opposite directions when after all they both want to walk together, but pride and fear keep getting in their way.
This emotional up and down cannot be good for either of their mental health. ~~Duh.~~
Seeing House all alone on a Friday night playing the Jewish piano piece and Cuddy exchanging disappointed looks with Wilson makes you wanna scream and lock these two in a room so they can finally figure this out.

(And maybe we should put the POTW in the room with them, as a mascot: “You really got a thing for your boss,huh?” Conveniently, this mascot could even marry them in the end...)

S5 Huddy revisited ep. 10-12

2009-11-14T16:13:32Z

5.10 Let them eat cake

This was the climax, the moment when it should have happened, when they should just have jumped each other and ripped off their clothes. (Good they didn't...right?)

And Cuddy is the one who starts it, partly in reaction to their conversation at the end of the previous episode. She is trying - a little - desperately to get something from him, to make him move, knowing he wants to.
But as Wilson said it so astutely: Sitting there and hoping isn’t going to do it.

So she makes the next move, cunningly planned, as if she had waited for this opportunity quite a while. She plays out all the flirting cards she has, including some cleavage and tight skirts that really limit her range of motion (not very helpful when attempting to have sex in the office, btw) and she even seems to enjoy it, positive that this will win him over.
She’s on the warpath, clearly, trying to weaken House's defenses. Which only proves, though, that Cuddy is just as dysfunctional when it comes to social skills as House is, especially since she's focussing quite a bit on the physical aspect of her relationship with House - which is of course the safer choice.
However, her behavior reaches an almost ridiculous level of flirting so obvious that it has to fail. And there is a point when even they realize that this needs to be addressed in a ~~more mature~~ different way. So House finally challenges her when they run out of furniture that might stand between them, obviously not having planned this out into every detail, because then he wouldn’t have done what he did.
Because when they reach the point of no return he just stands there, frozen and she is the one to make the step for him by telling him what she is expecting him to do. And still he doesn’t bring up the courage but chickens out.

Oh, seriously? Guys, your timing just sucks.
Is there only one time-window every billion years when you happen to be in sync?
Also, I admire the strength it takes to resist the temptation coming from so much sexual tension and so little space between two really yummy looking people.
He shuts everything down by putting his hand on her breast. making this a merely physcial thing between them (can you blame him after all that cleavage?), by denying that there is more to it. Of course he is afraid of showing her at this point that there IS more. But so is she.
And how could she have expected anything else from him, as they are engaging in what they do best: playing with each other, showing off their power. That is never a good opportunity for a soul strip, which is why Cuddy doesn’t strip either, but instead tells him they’re “supposed to kiss” because “everybody” knows this is going somewhere. Cause Cuddy is a total coward herself, not being able to say what SHE wants or feels. So, naturally he doesn’t give her even the slightest bit of emotions on his side, which makes this moment tilt completely. However, it was a moment born out of a power play, ill-conceived, immaturely - but hilariously - played and bound to be lost on both sides, emotionally at least.

When you two die and your life is reviewed in front of your eyes this is one of those moments you will have to look at realizing you could have had it all there!

House dismissing this chance on purpose hurts her. And it hurts him just as much. Because his voice is shaky, which is the only hint towards his emotions we get. He knows that he has completely messed this up. She at least had made herself vulnerable by asking him for this kiss and he blew it. Probably because it asked too much of him to commit his feelings there, in his office with GLASS walls. (I mean - seriously?)

But this missed chance doesn’t leave him untouched. How could it? The UST almost set that room on fire.
And as the sun is setting over Princeton Plainsboro we see him pondering, playing with the ball he had watched her play with only hours ago. He is trying to figure out how to end this game without either of them losing it.

So he apologizes. By giving her her college desk. A gesture, an offer for armistice, that may seem subtle, but is actually very profound and extremely romantic and tells us a lot about the true nature of this relationship, their theme, which is being explored in season 6. She understands this gesture and instantly forgives him his immaturity only to be smacked in the face by the sight of him standing in his office with that hooker.
Blam! In your face, Cuddy. There you have it. All the reasons why you and House cannot be a “thing”. And you knew it, didn’t you?

So after all, this episode was Huddy as we know them in a nutshell:
There was banter to a level so unprofessional and inappropriate that it weirded out everyone around who was watching them.
There was sexual tension reaching a boiling point that made it impossible to watch without fanning the TV and putting cold packs on it to keep it from exploding.
There was malcommunication and a horrible display of dysfunctional emotional aptitude.
And there was hurting. Twice. (Ouch. Poor Cuddy.)
And there was a subtle romance, so delicate and tender that the episode still left us with hope for these two. Because they are really trying.
And worst of all: it had the bad timing that keeps these two apart and makes this one of the most realistic ships on TV.

So in a way this episode was the resolution of the Huddy Arc Part I, summarizing Huddy in its complexity and hotness, proving just how much fun and pain at the same time these two can be.

5.11 Joy to the world

Yah, so much for the resolution of the Huddy Arc, when the very first scene of the new episode begins with the two of them addressing the “thing” that is or is not going on between them.

But Cuddy has had it. A woman can only take so much pain and she’s already been asking for it too many times. So instead of keeping up the games she simply leaves to make a point...
...and keeps coming back, thereby “unmaking” that point.
Several times.
And she plays doctor for a change, getting extremely attached to her patients as always. Maybe one reason is that she is in a state of emotional dysbalance.
And no matter what Cuddy is trying to prove, her involvement in this case and her showing up in House’s office numerous times prove the contrary. She’s also eye sexing way too much with him not to want him. As a matter of fact we get so much eye sexing that Taub just can’t stand it anymore and decides to intervene.

“Love like this needs to fly free.”

The look on House’s face tells us that for a second he thinks Taub is serious and it unsettles him, because Cuddy really gets to him and he is trying very hard to maintain his coolness in front of everyone else, when actually he just wants to keep staring at her the whole day admiring her prettiness. So, in a way, this time their timing is perfect, cause they’re both being total idiots around each other in complete denial of their desire for some loving under the Christmas tree. (Look at Foreteen, two of the most dysfunctional people on this show even managed to get their act together.)

And then there’s the end. Cuddy finally gets her baby and this (unusually-consistent for-this-show-)babyarc finds some resolution at last.

But what is that? Is there a smile on House’s lips when he stands by her and watches her looking at her new baby? He is actually happy for her, because he knows that is what she needed and even though it hurts him to see that she now moved on and leaves him alone in miseryland he still can’t help but feeling happy about it, too.
Because if she’s happy. He’s…

What’s even more interesting – as always – are the lyrics of the song played in the end. Like most of the other times the lyrics serve to express House’s feelings. And does that mean he understands that he is at this point not her focus anymore, but still wants her to know that he is there, waiting for her?

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still

Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

Period.
Because that's it. That definitely IS the resolution of the Huddy Arc Part I. Because from now on change is coming to Huddytown.

5.12 Painless

One thing is for sure: these two can’t last without each other even a day.

Now isn’t that interesting? His pain – that as I mentioned before, hadn’t been the issue at all lately - faces the moment he knows Cuddy will no longer focus on him and this fear is substantiated when he enters the hospital and meets a stressed out Cuddy who has no interest in him at all and simply tells him he’ll have to deal with Cameron being his boss from now on. Ouch. Bring on the pain.
Which leads us to the realization that House likes to focus on minor things when big things bug him. This time it’s the plumbing of his House he’s concentrating on. Oh, what a metaphor…
Aaaanyway.

House and his team visiting Cuddy? Awesomeness.

We get an obvious joke about Cuddy’s rubber nipples (House really has no decency…after having touched her breast in a most inappropriate fashion he still is comfortable making jokes about this part of her body?) and we get a very odd image of the Huddy family with House and Cuddy acting like hilarious fighting parents and a baby that isn’t even a real baby but a plastic doll and a team that totally feels like a bunch of intrudors while the freak family is enjoying some quality time.
I mean, seriously, House is standing closer to her than necessary. Something he’ll be doing for the rest of the season, btw.
There’s generally a lot of physical closeness and it looks comfortable, which means their bodies scream yes, it’s just their heads, that keep saying “No”, no matter what the eyes or tongues in those heads would vote for if somebody asked them.
However, from this episode on this closeness seems to be their new thing, a subtle change, another anticipation of the major changes in this relationship.

Plus, when they turned these lovely heads towards each other in the heat of the moment they might have just kissed. Because gosh, there’s just so much tension there. If it just hadn’t been for all the company in that room, including the stuffed giraffe.

Okay.
Then we get this office scene – office scenes in the dark always promise to be profound and revealing and in this case it reveals how much it hurt House that she is no longer available to him at any time.
But would he tell her? No. His eyes most certainly tell her, but her eyes are too blind to see that.

So here’s what they should have said in that office scene (and what they kinda said between the lines...):
Cuddy enters.
House (stroking the desk like it was a wooden substitute for her body): You like the desk?
Cuddy: Yes. I never thanked you for it.
House: You can thank me now.
Cuddy: Meaning?
House: I need you here.
Cuddy: I know. That’s why I came.
House: See? And now you come again. On this desk.
Cuddy: Pig.
House getting up, approaching her.
Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: Thought you wanted me to kiss you.
Cuddy: I used to. But you’ve had your chance.
House: Hey. I still gave you the desk.
Cuddy looks up at him, gives in to his piercing blue stare and leans into the kiss, while he’s already wrapping his arms around her.
Well, and the rest is a story the desk would probably tell best.

So after all, this was a great episode, however, we all know, it's a long long way to go from here to a point where these two might actually find that window in time when they're on the same page.

S5 Huddy revisited ep. 7-9

2009-11-09T16:55:31Z

5.7 The Itch

“Maybe novelty and hostility and forbiddenness doesn’t have to end bad.”
Ehm. Sorry, Wilson, but it does. Wake up, will you?
So we're getting an unexpectedly awkward display of how much this kiss must have surprised them as they're both acting very 'uncool' (as in 'unsettled') about this.

Cuddy apparently spent the night awake pondering, deciding this was nothing but a weird way of looking for comfort after a really really really crappy day. But now – after just one night? – she’s back being the Queen of her Ice Castle in Bossyland. And while she goes into complete denial, rubbing this in his face, he actually seems somewhat disappointed. Because he himself obviously didn’t think it was just a slip. He thinks there might be more to it, which is why he is a lot worse at denying this kiss its meaning than Cuddy.
It’s just interesting that his somatization does not increase his pain (which is interestingly not the issue these days, anyway), but brings out a new symptom: a cute little itch on his hand. (Our grandparents would probably say that’s what you get for polishing the family jewels all night long…)
In the end we see him making one of his boldest moves ever: he gets up, leaves his house and drives to her.
This is a major step. For anybody, in this case, not just for House.
Apparently losing Wilson (and facing the possibility of losing Cuddy, too) has opened him a lot towards people, since he is now willing to make a step forward to get what he wants.
However, watching her through her window, in her self-sufficient calm loneliness he suddenly asks himself why she would ever want him. A part of him – too big a part – believes that she really meant what she said to him after that kiss.
And there we go again. Out of self-loathing House turns around and leaves. Because he thinks she is better of without him. Because he doesn’t even know what he wants to offer her at this point. Because he is still afraid of being rejected. And maybe because he isn't even that sure that this kiss was really an act of love. Why is it then, that there's someone singing "I'm in love with a girl" in the background all the time?
Great Cuddy, in this act, you actually were the bigger moron for openly denying such a kiss its true meaning. You romance killer.
This was the episode which starts off a whole arc of malcommunicating illegible emotions and bad timing of romantic feelings.

5.8 Emancipation

The awkwardness continues…Wilson is making quite an idiot out of himself for not even properly trying to hide his fangirliness.
And House is pining.
Why Cuddy is being so cool about this? Maybe because she’s used to playing tough. Or maybe she’s really that dysfunctional herself. Or maybe because deep inside, she’s still dealing with her loss after all. Or she is simply planning her strategy, as strategies are usually her way of dealing with House.
Whatever it is, Cuddy is still in denial and House is still trying to figure out what this new emotional puzzle might end up looking like once he has all the pieces together. And that tells us all that there MUST be something when House is intrigued by it, otherwise he'd just make a few jokes about it, have a few sexual fantasies including Cuddy and showers and move on.

5.9 Last Resort

First.
Her look when she realizes he is in serious danger, is not just the look of someone worrying over people held at gun-point in her hospital. It's above all the fear of losing him, knowing his talent for self-destruction.
Second.
“Got a husband in there or a loved one?”
That guy is a smart cop. And Cuddy’s hesitation and stammered “No”, are just as convincing as her other attempts to deny her feelings for House.
Third.
We get a classic example of their failed attempts to communicate.
We have her stating they really could never be a “thing” (with a pretty tired sound in her voice I must add), while she isn’t even capable of using the word “couple”. That also shows that as a matter of fact she has been thinking about them for the past weeks, obviously with a frustrating outcome. Then we have him not being able to finish his sentence properly either:
“…cause the only change you can make from a non relationship is…”, and then he inhales the air sharply, afraid of actually saying it and at the same time afraid of the answer to follow.

“Do you want a relationship?”
Cuddy, could you have looked a little less weirded out when you asked this question? You might have got a “Yes” for an answer.

There we go again. We have to people waiting desperately for the other one to make the first step into vulnerability and both of them are too guarded, too afraid to get hurt in this delicate game because they both know that too much is at stake here. Which is why they both choose to push each other out before asking each other in.
They know their relationship is way too complicated as it is now and if they chose to pursue the idea of a romantic relationship it would be an impossible challenge.
But, and that's the big surprise: They are considering a relationship. Openly. So, they have moved past the mere denial of their feelings, accepting that there is something between them which affects their professional relationship already. And they are now left wondering what to do with those feelings, which sounds mature, but the way they address it just shows their insecurity and guardedness once more. However, let's not forget that they have a past unknown to us. And there’s a reason why they haven’t pursued whatever happened in that past.

Emotionally obstructed…I think those are the words Cuddy used in ep.1. And it’s utterly fitting.

So instead of saying “Yes”, House hesitates and tries to read the expression on her face, letting the spoken possibility breathe and grow between them, almost as if he wanted to give it a try.
But it is not the right time, yet. They both are still figuring out how to keep the balance on this tightrobe, it's too early to dance on it together, as a single touch might cause them to fall

So he drops the words, choosing rejection over being rejected, knowing this was a conversation that took place nonverbally above all.
Which is why it doesn't mean anything, it simply had to happen to give them the illusion of being in control over the situation.

And on top, House's little prank does the actual talking.
The broken desk drawer tells her that nothing has really changed between them, that the awkwardness has resolved enough for him to be comfortable with interfering with her privacy again. And at the same time it tells her that he wants her attention after all, and that his negation of her question might not have been the truth.
Which results in her picking up on that prank, turning it into a game to pursue the true nature of their feelings that is hiding behind these carefully chosen words exchanged between them.
Plus, her initial reaction to this prank speaks volumes:
After a very awkward conversation and a truly terrible day we actually get to see a smile on her face.
Wow. When she’s with him there’s really nothing else in the world, is there?
.

S5 Huddy revisited ep. 4-6 (including the Kiss flail)

2009-11-08T14:04:53Z

5.4 Birthmarks

feat. "The Hilson reunion"

But apart from that not too much Huddy on the horizon.

We get House inviting her to his bed once more. That’s something. If only she finally followed one of those invitiations....

The ONE easter egg we get is Cuddy getting back at him for the arse injections. And what a self-satisfied look she has on her face while she is doing that.

And while House finds it perfectly normal that his Mom might call Cuddy, Cuddy apparently finds it perfectly appropriate to drug him and make him reunite with Wilson AND go to his Dad’s funeral.
Cuddy really deserves the nobel prize for strategics for this one. Because she knows what House needs but also knows that he would never admit what he needs and therefore she tricks him into getting what he needs to make sure he’s happier. That! Is love.

5.5 Lucky 13

Okay, it was a pretty lame episode (unless you enjoy the whole girl-on-girl-innuendo) up to one point;
That is where the Wilson storyline finally fades into the Cuddy storyline. Intelligently written, it is House’s obsession with Wilson, his fear of losing him again, that ultimately leads to House finding out, that there’s someone he’s even more afraid of losing.

When House finds out about the adoption he finds out two more things.
First, that his best friend has betrayed him, that actually his two best friends have lied to him and kept a secret from him. That must hurt.
And second, he learns, that his friends are moving on faster than he is. Worse, that Cuddy is moving on, and that she no longer chooses House to share her baby plans with, but Wilson.
The look on House’s face spells misery in capitals. Plus, I swear his eyes were a tad too watery.

All this being underlined by the beautiful tunes of Annie Lennox’ “Dark Road”, just showed how much this gets to him.

That Cuddy is specifically excluding him while trying to find happiness is a little too much.
Can anything make you feel more lonely than that?

Well, if she’s happy. He certainly is NOT.

So. Congratulations House, you just found yourself a new obsession.

5.6 Joy

feat. T-H-E K-I-S-S

Need I say more?

House is deeply affected by Cuddy’s plan to adopt a child. For several reasons. Because he thinks it is just as wrong as Cuddy’s attempt to get IVF with a stranger’s sperm. Because he wants Cuddy to be truly happy instead of simply getting what she wants. But there’s also something inside him who is incredibly jealous because he knows: once Cuddy has happiness and satisfaction in her life she won’t have the time or the nerve to focus on him any longer. It makes him crazy with jealousy.

But that is not what triggers the K-I-S-S. Because as long as she’s happy there’s no damage.
Only when she loses the baby he sees the pain that the loss is causing her and in a way I think he is surprised to see this fragility in her, that he hasn’t seen before.
Kudos to Lisa for her acting, I think Cuddy’s pain made my heart break several times in this eppy. And that’s probably what it did to House’s heart, too. No one can watch another human being being jerked around between ultimate joy and worst misery without feeling something. And since we know House is one of the most sensitive people on this show, we can be sure that this unsettles him big time.

And as always when he is confused, he investigates the confusion until he gets to its very core.

Which takes him to Cuddy. For the first time he is the one who can care for her, the one who is more okay than she is. He may at that point not understand what made her go to her place, but when he sees the pain in her eyes looking at him in rage, a part of him realizes that the reason for his behavior must be love and he wants her pain to go away, because he knows he is partly responsible for that pain, too, which hurts him in return.

All this is only about 10% of what these two brilliant actors put into this scene.

It is emotionally loaded to an extent where the viewer just wants to close the door, switch the lights off and prepare a nice breakfast for the two in the morning.

The other 90% percent might include surprise and a great deal of frustration above all.
House is surprised to realize his true feelings, that he can hurt her so much, that he can make her that angry in a moment of her greatest weakness. And it’s frustration on Cuddy’s side, that he is an emotional blackbox. And a lot of surprise on her side as well, when she realizes he didn’t do all that damage to simply annoy her, that in fact, he didn’t even know why he did it.
Which means … that…
...and then we see that totally bewildered look in her eyes when she realizes the reason for his behavior might be feelings of a completely different nature for her.

Incapable of doing anything else to comfort her he kisses her.

Eh. Though. That’s not just a kiss. That was all their relationship was about put into a kiss.

Had it been simply a kiss, we all would have watched it, keysmashed our computers a bit, would have sighed and drooled and then would have moved on with our lives.
But no.
It wasn’t until then that the global warming reached a critical point. When the devil moved to the northpole cause it was warmer there than in hell that had just frozen over. When a bunch of fangirls in ther mid-twenties suddenly needed prescriptions for beta blockers to keep ther blood pressure down. When a ventilating machine and a defibrillator became the mandatory equipment of every home TV set. When suddenly millions of young families had the name “Huddy” registered as the official first name for their child.

That kiss is more like an explosion of most contradictory feelings and a shared need for comfort and – yes – sex to numb the pain.
It’s raw, aggressive, tender, hungry, painful, longing, hot, surprising and addictive. The ladder being proven by the fact that in the end, they can’t let go.
They want this moment to last, because for once in their lives they seem to form a unit that keeps them both in balance. Their faces leaning in to each other, breathing each other in and out, that says it all. These two long for each other so badly, that it needs all their strength to stop at this point. They both are shocked by the intensity and honesty of this kiss that reveals more of their feelings to themselves and to each other than they would ever be able to admit.

And there I just need to stop, because I need to start a religion.

If anyone reads this please let me know and review. Comments and discussion are also always welcome.

S5 Huddy revisited - ep.1-3

2009-11-07T11:07:52Z

So, what were we left with in the Season 4 finale?

Usually the finales in a way redefine House’s character. His self-destruction most often being a central element as a way of denying himself happiness.
In the end of season 1 House struggles with his emotions for Stacy, not believing he deserves a future with her, not allowing himself to love her, instead giving in to his pain.
In the end of season 2 House’s self-destructive behavior leads to him being shot and the negation of all meaning in life.
In the end of season 3 House’s self-destruction reaches a new level as in season 3 House – thanks to Cuddy’s help – has risen above the law, he is without boundaries, running wild like a cocky teenager. Which is why he decides to eliminate everything around him. However, this act of destruction is more a catharsis and therefore in a way the first act where his destructiveness is not directed only at himself.
And then finally we get season 4, which is all about House trying to be more "social".
And it is this same hubris from the season’s beginning that leads to this season’s finale, only that a new aspect comes into play: his relationship with Wilson. While it’s also House’s obession with puzzles and some kind of feeling of immortality that almost gets him killed, it is above all his friendship with Wilson.
Because what lies underneath, and that’s what Cuddy perceives, too, is that House’s self-destruction this time is no longer self-centered, but in this case a comittment towards his best friend. He knows he needs to find the answer to save Amber. After having interfered so much with Amber’s and Wilson’s relationship he feels that he is responsible for this tragic ending, that he needs to save Amber even if that means he himself will die. That is the way Cuddy sees it, which is why in the end, she is the only one sitting at his bedside, holding his hand, knowing that deep inside he cares a lot more than he would ever allow anybody to see it.

But...wasn't this supposed to be a season 5 recap? Okay...

Cause this is the anticipation of what season 5 will bring us, now that House has obviously opened towards people around him, dragging them with him, we get so see how first Wilson is affected by this. But the hallucinated striptease and Cuddy’s lips touching House’s during the CPR can be seen as the ultimate hint that the next person to get to know the House of Doom (pun intended) will be Cuddy.
Naturally, this means that season 5 will start with Wilson’s and House’s relationship and will only slowly fade into the Cuddy and House relationship.

* * *

5.1 Dying changes everything

Here we have Cuddy, who feels like a complete idiot for having sat by House’s bedside believing he was actually a nice guy only to now realize that House behaves like a child all over again. Cuddy knows that House deeply cares for Wilson and feels responsible for Amber’s death, she knows it because she was there when he tried to undo the damage by negating his own life in an attempt to save Amber’s life. And now he denies it.
That doesn’t only frustrate Cuddy, but at least a million other viewers out there who ask themselves how one person can be so schizoid. Cuddy now has proof that there’s a lot more going on inside House than he’s willing to admit. Only she is really tired of that ladder part and finally wants him to show what he feels. At this point, only for Wilson, because she has no idea that there might actually be feelings for her as well. (Ehm, yeah, she really is that blind….)

5.2 Not Cancer

Generally an alarming lack of Huddy, but eh…the rest of this season sure has enough of it, so let’s allow them a bit of Lucas/House (Ehm….Louse???) interaction.

House hiring the PI shows one thing – apart from the fact that he still is severely dysfunctional when it comes to social interactions: He at least acknowledges the fact that he needs his friend and that he does care about Wilson. However, his guardedness keeps him from showing this to the recipient of his friendly feelings directly. Instead he hires a professional (why does he always need professionals to deal with his "emotional" needs?) to do this job for him: to find out if his friends like him, or not.
Weird? Apparently not. At least the PI seems to have seen weirder things.

And hey, it’s a start. House accepts his need for closeness to others and at the same time still takes care of his fear of getting hurt by too much closeness or by rejection. Putting someone in between, in this case the PI, helps him maintain the picture of the self-sufficient loner. And at the same time the PI serves as a Wilson substitute. Plus, it helps a lot that the PI is a bit like House himself.

Poor Lucas, now that I see just how big his responsibility was back then, I actually think he deserves a little bit of Cuddy lovin’. (But just a little, so take your fingers off her again, will you?)

The one thing we learn about Huddy – since this is the Huddy recap of season 5 - is that Cuddy once more shows just how much she knows House by having two security guards protecting the patient from House. She knows how desperate House is without Wilson and that he cannot be trusted at this point because he will dig himself into this case even more than usually. It is her well-known beautiful strategy of letting him play, knowing he needs it to maintain his balance. And at the same time she makes sure no one gets hurt in the game, especially not him (or the patients…okay, maybe she’s just doing her job).

5.3 Adverse Events

This leads us to the negative aspects of the PI being a lot like House himself: He developes a creepy interest in Cuddy and expresses this interest by stalking her, something I have seen someone else doing before. Apparently, that’s the kind of guy Cuddy finds attractive…

Anyway, while House is still obsessed with finding out if Wilson is still his friend or not, he doesn’t really notice that the PI is developing a romantic interest in Cuddy. Lucas himself is way smarter since he has sensed House’s crush on Cuddy a while ago.
So, he challenges him openly.
“Let’s see who gets there first”, is another weird anticipation of things to come. Judging by the look on House’s face he does not at all like this challenge. And as always when someone threatens to take House’s toy from the sandbox he gets intrigued. House said it himself, he’s spent half his life negotiating with that woman. While a lot of people might describe their wives that way, in this case it simply says a lot about House’s perception of Cuddy’s role in his life: He thinks she just happens to always be there. He takes her for granted. Which is exactly the problem.

Not any longer you won’t. There’s quite a competition coming up. And I’m not talking about that unshaved copy of yours sitting next to you on that sofa!

So. Back to the story and the possible meaning behind this strange PI storyline…

I think it is an interesting way of playing with two possible versions of the same plot.
We have two House-like characters, House himself who will need a whole season to kiss Cuddy, sexually harrass her, insult and hurt her several times and in the end hallucinate hot sex with her.
And we have Lucas, who is different from House in one very important way: He is open and straightforward and obviously has no fear of rejection. He confronts Cuddy with his feelings for her from the very beginning. And we learn that this is actually what flatters Cuddy, since we’ve hardly ever seen her smiling so sweetly before. While we generally get to see an interesting side of Cuddy, a somewhat insecure, really funny and sweet version of her, we learn that even if she's different, she is in one point just like most women:
She obviously likes the open commitment, no matter how creepy it is, it only weirds her out for seconds before she caves and flirts back like a schoolgirl. See that, House? Learn!!!!

However, it is interesting and sad that when Lucas compliments her on her shoes, she first shoots an estranged look in House’s direction, suspecting him behind this compliment, before she accepts the compliment as an honest statement coming from the complete stranger in front of her. It is sad because it shows just how badly House treats her that compliments first irritate her before they flatter her.
Well, it sucks being a woman in ~~House's~~ a man’s world…

Numb

2009-04-14T21:35:13Z

NUMB

Cuddy stood in front of the church and let her eyes follow the smoke that rose into the sky.
The wind had dried up the salty traces of her tears on her skin and she secretly wiped away a last teardrop with the back of her hand.

She and Wilson exchanged looks.

There was someone hurting even more. Who always hurt more than they all did.
Someone whose funeral they both never wanted to attend, whose death they always half expected, half feared.
Slowly Cuddy extracted herself from the black crowd and went to her car, looking back at the smoke crawling up in black curls, fading into the grey and white of the clouds.

When she knocked on his door she could hear his music playing as usual. Like a stubborn teenager raging against the world he barricaded up, turned the music loud and chased away whoever wanted to entry his territory. She knew this and it had no effect on her. Until she saw his face.
In his eyes she saw the haze of too many pain killers and alcohol and she felt the invisible curtain of isolation, that always separated him from the outside world, even thicker today.

She felt the need to reach through it, to touch him inside.

“I’m busy”, he tried to chase her away with a scratchy cigarette smoke - covered voice.

“No you’re not”, she simply replied and pushed her way in.

House stumbled as he tried to avoid a collision with her.

She seemed terrified, unsettled. Her black clothes made her look pale, and the blue of her eyes looked even more watery, and colder. She had cried.

House didn’t want her to bring all this pain with her inside. He had just succeded to numb it.

“If you want to talk about it, I don’t”, he stated and she stopped and turned around to look at him.

“Well, neither do I”, she simply replied, defeated and tired.

“Then why are you here?"

“Because something happened. And you’re hurting, just like the rest of us. You shouldn’t be alone. But you ARE all alone in there.”

“If you’re scared I’ll kill myself, too…” he started but she interrupted him. With a weary look on her face and a soft glint in her eyes.

“I’m not scared you’ll kill yourself, I’m scared you’ll never start to live.” Her voice sounded hoarse.

“And that’s why you’re here?”

“No.” She breathed in and felt the scratching dryness of the cigarette smoke that was lingering in the air.

He hesitated and looked at her, puzzled as she came closer. The room behind her had started spinning. He shouldn’t have had that last shot of Jack Daniels, he thought, when he couldn’t tell whether she was approaching him or backing away from him. So he stood still and waited. An invisible iron helmet tightened around his temples, made his head feel heavy and his thoughts uncontrollable. Somewhere in the distance he felt her touch. And he let her. He let her lay her hands flat on his chest, his eyes emptily staring into hers that were looking for him so desperately.

“How many drinks have you had?” she asked him, her voice shaking with controlled rage and fear.

“Apparently one too many to take advantage of this situation”, he answered and caught the hint of a smile on her lips.

The baby had turned her into a mother. And she was no longer just a lover but someone who deeply cared for him. He could see that in her eyes where he saw tenderness instead of arousal. She was falling for him. Falling into him, this black hole of emotions.

“Why don’t you just let me in?” she whispered through this hazy curtain between him and the outside world. The invitation spoken it lingered in the space between them, her face lit up in this light openness of the unanswered question. It seemed to easy, so tempting. She was making it as easy for him as she in her own complexity could and would ever be willing to.

He shrugged his shoulders, his gaze locked with hers, his mind deaf and blind.

Numbed and stuporous from his pain, from the Vicodins he had taken, he suddenly realized they were dancing.
Standing in the middle of his living room, their bodies barely touching but warming each other while the sounds of his music reached their ears only in the distance.
He stared down at their bodies that were slowly, barely visibly moving in sync with each other, and clearly in the rhythm of his vinyl songs. Dizziness made him unsteady and he allowed her to hold him, allowed her to touch his face, her fingers softly burning on his skin.
And then he allowed himself to touch her, to bury his nose in her curls that smelled like magnolias. He felt the softness of her curves leaning against his body.
There was no hunger, no roughness, this time they were careful and the lightness of their touches barely made its way through all the numbness. It felt like they were stumbling through a cotton covered spiral of sensations.

Until all of a sudden the music stopped.

And she let go. Avoiding his gaze she hastily turned around to leave through the same door she had so forcefully knocked against only minutes before.

He stared at the white wood as the slam of the door reached his ears and cracked his numbness into pieces.

Cuddy felt her mind sobering when she stepped outside into the cold, where heavy rainclouds were forming a thick grey mass above the buildings. She wrapped her coat around her waist and carefully stepped down the stairs into the street.

Motherhood had softened her. When Kutner had died she had not only felt the loss of a colleague, she had felt the loss of a son, of a lover, of a brother, of a friend. She had drowned in the black smoke, in the mourning crowd. Drunk with emotions she had let her guards down.
But she should know better. It was a dark road she should never take, because it would never make her happy. Neither was she ever going to bring any light into his world.
He chose the dark because everybody else was running away from it.
She looked up into the sky with tear-laden eyes when the sound of his voice in the distance suddenly made her stop. It sounded loud and sober. Not at all damped but sharp and dark like millions of black crystals.

“Lisa.”

She shivered. Only once had she heard him say her name before. Which is why she turned around. He was standing on his doorstep in the twilight of the rainy dusk, looking at her with a sincerity in his eyes that made this invitation seem more like a demand and a solicitation at the same time. His black silhouette made him look taller than he was and at the same time he had never seemed smaller.

She closed her eyes and suppressed a smile.

She didn’t have a choice. She had already set foot on this dark road. So she followed him back inside.

Into his world.

Huddy for the world

2008-11-14T00:06:27Z

*** Icons Icons Icons ***

1. Denial is beautiful

2. The Matchmaker gets rewarded - or not?

3. THE LOOOOVE:

4. This one...because it's my new religion

6. ARTSY STUFF

Four reasons...

2008-11-05T21:49:40Z

and four pictures that prove that life is good - sometimes.

1.    Democracy: A collective consciousness

2.    Huddy: Hot - Uncensored - Delicate - Dark - Yearning

3. Happiness: The moment between the top of the mountain and the bottom of it right before you realize you have to roll the rock all the way back to the top again.

4.    Autumn: When the sun descends from the sky pouring her light over the trees. Leaves cover the world in gold, glowing through the grey November haze. Until the last rays of light get carried away by the wind.

Latest obsessive action

2008-10-03T18:58:36Z

I'm so happy to be loved.
throw me down and light me there
'cause I'm an awful mess
and you love me too
I haven't a care
we're eternity
oh, I feel the sigh on
every breath that's met us here
this night dreams fantastic
and it's ours, my dear

how on earth could you have found me
huddled under grapes of wrath
I will never know but forever I ask
how I got so lucky
all this time proceeding
silent in processional
the words, they escape me through my singing cage
of how I love you too

it's safe
to be alone
and be lonely
but I found a gun
with no safety
and I am going to
shoot down my ghost town
completely

'cause I konw there's a
place for us
I made it, I made it

I am through with sharing all my love
I have outgrown crowding up my house
when you found me, I could not be loved.
but then I found me and I'm happy to be loved.

* * *

I must admit...I didn't like the plot of the movie.
I did like the fact that there was another X-Files movie.
But the disappointment in the story hit me hard.
The writers have always been known for non-conventional twists, for the sinister atmosphere they could create and the show was known for its inventive camera angles and spine-tingling soundtrack.
This movie, however, lacked most of that and that made me incredibly sad.

But I loved what they did to the Mulder and Scully relationship. It felt right, realistic and good.
Feelings the rest of the movie unfortunately couldn't provoke...
There still are reasons to absolutely love this movie since it is the ultimate gift the creators of the show could give to all those crazy fans out there - myself included:
- The countless insider jokes -
- Mulder and Scully -
- The Skinman -
- the snow and Vancouver -
- Mulder's jokes -
- Mark Snow's love theme for Mulder and Scully -
- the feeling that along with time the world of the X-Files has changed, too,
which is comforting and scary at the same time -

And I am still "happy as a clam" that my most favorite couple under the stars is doing great and that they are finally getting the vacation they deserve, teehee.

Waiting for the Mooo-V !!!

2008-07-03T17:29:08Z

"THE XFILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE"

2008-06-28T12:55:37Z

Yay!

Writer's Block: Three dishes I could live on

2008-05-15T12:38:19Z

What three dishes could you live on for the rest of your life?

View 500 Answers

That's an easy one:

1) Pasta with Ricotta, Tomato, Basil and Pesto sauce
2) Sushi
3) Kellogg's Lucky Charms cereals

X-files short-fic

2008-05-15T12:36:23Z

I am posting this short fic because of the resurrection of the X-Files that is now evident. And with it my fangirl-soul was resuscitated as well. Hope you enjoy it. Please do comment :0)

Disclaimer: All characters used belong to Fox and Chris Carter and probably some other people except me. And please do not sue me.

Genre: Angst, MSR, CD (!)

Rating: PG-13 and some language alert

Kontext: This story was initially written in German for a FanFiction Challenge that required a POV story that was not longer than 500 words and included the words „old“, „orange juice“ and „Quantico“. I won the challenge and decided to share the story with the English-speaking world, though during the translation I had to add a few words, so it's now actually more than 500.

Plot: The story is written in the POV of the Shadow Man who is introduced in Season 9 in the episode „Trust No1“, however this story plays long before Season 9.

Shadow

Black and white are the pictures flickering through the dark. Like shadows.

I run my hand over my face, rub my tired eyes.
I feel old, broken. It’s a fucked-up job that doesn’t pay off. Not yet. But hope alledgedly dies last…hope…for what ?

They switch off the lights in their office. Another one of their days is over. I check my watch: 11.13. Pathetic ! Yet I do envy them…because they at least believe in something. And they are not alone.

I can never hear them, however, in all these years I have learned to read the expressions on their faces, the glances they share, the light casual touches. I can see the truth for which every one else are blind because of all the noise surrounding them: Their touches are never unintentional or subconscious. And not even the blunt two-dimensional pictures captures on the screen can disguise their magic. I feel it every time their fingers meet, their shoulders brush each other. I feel an insatiable desire for what they share.

They say goodbye in the underground garage. As always he waits for her to leave first, hands buried in his pockets and with this oddly peaceful smile on his lips. In his eyes you can see some kind of obsessive fear of losing her.

It’s pure irony that of all people it’s me who realizes what she means to him. Me, who believes in nothing, who has nothing and how must not have anything. Not even a life.

But today something is different. Today he doesn’t move an inch after she is gone. And then suddenly he slowly walks towards the empty parking space her car has left. He crouches down, touches the ground and smells the greasy film on his fingers. He knows !

A smile edges my lips. But I don’t know why. For I know how it’s going to end.
In 23 seconds….

His hands are shaking as he dials her number on his cell phone. 22…But she forgot her phone in the office. 20….She was distracted, her eyes have been gazing at him in this somewhat playful but smitten way.
Even though my world is all black and white I do know that her eyes are blue. Fluorescently blue like the ocean.

12…11...In 10 seconds I’ll be unemployed.
I glance at the exterior cameras.

7…6…

He will blame himself for this even though it was her who suggested taking the evidence to Quantico herself. To protect him. Fools.

3…2…1

Just before her car vanishes beyond the horizon of my camera I see the flash: a bright explosion taking only pixels of my screen. I
t’s raining, I see it in the milky shimmer of the street lights. His car abruptly stops in the middle of the road. Chaos emerges around him while he is walking through the rain like a ghost, towards that ocean of flames she, her car and all the evidence are drowning in.

A tear is running down my face. Because I understand what’s been taken from him.

And he understands it, too. Now and…too late.

Writer's Block: The Last Time I Surprised Myself

2008-02-20T08:26:22Z

Yesterday when I - usually known for my kindness and softness - was really rude to a co - worker who was being a total jerk. And I must say it feels good not to swallow your anger and let it out so that it hits the right person.
I just hope this isn't the beginning of a transition into a bitchy alter ego.

When was the last time you surprised yourself?

View 481 Answers

Shoot me !

2007-10-01T19:51:28Z

There it was: after the last day of my poor unemployed student life came the first day of my career as a doctor.
And was it as bad as I feared it would be ? No.
It was worse.
It was so bad that studying for the exams seemed like paradise in comparison.

And it wasn't even such a bad day from an objective point of view.
I only worked 12 hours, without breaks due to drinking, sitting or eating, but that was actually okay...until the headache settled in around 4 pm.
No, what made it so bad was that all the time I had the feeling I was an actor walking through a theater play without having memorized my text. I had no idea what I was doing ! Seriously.
Most of the times when all the attendings and other doctors stood in the hallways or sat in the conferences talking I thought to myself: What the hell are these people talking about ? Didn't I go to Med School somewhere in the near past ? And when the patients came to me with all those freaking questions I just wanted to shake my head and run away screaming "Don't ask me, I'm way too stupid for this job!"

But all in all I think it was a pretty good first day, because I struggled, I stumbled, I tried my best and I hope I'll get better with time, though at the moment I have no clue where in my head I should store all the knowledge that I will need to become a good surgeon. And where in my heart I should look for the courage to deal with all the responsibility.

I also learned my most important lesson today, too: That you need some balance in your life.
So I went out for dinner and had pasta with truffles and I think I deserved it a little, though in fact I was probably the most useless doctor in that hospital today.

1.01 a.m.

2007-07-21T00:02:32Z

Was the moment when I grabbed a freshly printed - almost still warm - printer-and-glue-scented copy of the new and last Harry Potter novel.

Just thought I should save that to the memories.

Might be good for my Karma. Though the fact that I read the last pages first kind of spoils my Karma bonus points...

If Butterflies could sing...

2007-07-20T14:05:56Z

                                One Cell in the Sea

                                                                by A Fine Frenzy



Since my life is one boring flatline with only occasional electric (or ecclectic ? but I'm trying to stick with the ECG metaphor here) events - I've concentrated 25 % of my emotional potential (the other 75 % went into panic attacks before the exams) on the release of the debut album by A Fine Frenzy, who are a band from L.A. and whose songs got played in two of my favorite TV shows long before this album made its way into the stores.

And now you can finally buy the songs and I must say the wait was worth it.

This band - though nothing really new on the big sky of alternative/indie/folk/whatever music - instantly reminded me of "Coldplay meets Tolkien".
It's their really charming, lovely lyrics that take you to places long forgotten, residing somewhere among your childhood memories that you stored in the "fantasies and other stuff"-box in the backyard of your mind.
And at the same time they carry the typical hopeful bitterness of a person in her twenties who has suffered through love and loss and still hasn't suffered enough to have turned into a cynical vampire and still wants to believe in the good, the truth and the light ... and that the Elbs of Middle Earth are truly out there, drinking tea with the Aliens you were abducted by a few years ago. (Okay...well I'm losing it right now...)

The songs themselves do remind a lot of the sounds of other bands, but in a well-combined, light and playful mix that does sound new because the words are carried by this fragile, light voice that sounds exactly what the singer looks like:
Like a pale beautiful fairy with hair as red as autumn leaves and a dreamy look in her leave green eyes (though I'm sure those are Photoshop enhanced...).

Anyway this album manages to take you away to a lost world where every grown-up every once in a while would like to hide: in a land of fantasies, where fears dissolve into hopes and where you can just lie down on the soft moist ground of a deep dark forest, let the ladybugs crawl across your fingers,  let the rabbits softly brush your cheeks with their noses, watch the falling leaves sailing down to the ground, and dream yourself away into nothingness that allows you to rest for a moment. Until you wake up and notice that your new tweed coat is soaking wet with muddy forest humidity and that those ladybugs are in fact spiders. And you hate spiders.

But before you realize that it's nice because it's light and has - for a change - no political message other than beauty.

But beware: You need to be in the right mood, otherwise the sweetness and the highness of that fairy voice will send you into hyperglycemic shock.
Therefore it's the perfect soundtrack for autumn when the days turn darker, colder and the leaves change colors and you indulge in the simplicity of just staying inside on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Have no idea what I'm talking about ? See if the Fine Frenzy lyrics talk to you, if you think this is just some kitschy baloney then you better stay away from it :0)

~ You picked me lyrics excerpt ~

"so softly,
rain against my window
and the strong coffee
warming up my fingers
in this fisherman's house"

~ ~ ~

~ Rangers lyrics excerpt ~

"melancholy phantoms eye our skins
poisoned apples falling with the wind
hear the sigh of the trees
those who enter here never leave..."

A Hitchhiker's Guide to the ECFMG

2007-07-06T20:48:08Z

Well, emigrating is a pain in the neck.
But it helps a lot if you can share the pain.
So here I am, sharing the pain by giving you a quick checklist of the necessary things that have to be done if you really wanna enter that crazy maze of medical licensure in the US.

1. Go to ECFMG.org and click on IWA, where they'll ask for your username and password

2. Register and wait for your USMLE / ECFMG ID # and password and write them down once you receive them cause they are now part of your wardrobe. For your registration use the exact name (including middle names) that's also on all your official documents, e.g. your medial diploma or your passport.

3. Download and read the ECFMG Information Booklet (my checklist will help you skip the most painful aspect of this step though)

4. Get your med school papers ready: the list of clerkships (Famulaturzeugnisse und PJ-Zeugnisse - you need these dates later), and dates when you entered and graduated from Med School, your personal data, your credit card number if you wish to pay with credit card

5. Log-in on your ECFMG account

Now...you probably want to apply for an examination, may it be USMLE I or II CS or CK.

The application consists of two steps, the online part (IWA) and the mail part.

Before you now click on the button of IWA, which would start the online part of the application, make sure you're not in a hurry, it'll take about 20 minutes to finish this. Also make sure you know when you would like to take the exam(s).
There are eligibility periods, they always consist of 3 months and always overlap in one month. For each eligibility period there's a deadline until which every single paper they need in Philadelphia has to lie on their desks.
You can find some of the deadlines below or in the Information Booklet.

Ready ?

Okay.

6. Start the IWA and fill out all the forms. This is really easy and you can - at any time - click on a help button that'll explain you the step you're taking. Make sure the name you use matches the name you entered on your initial registration and your medical diploma. The section that asks for clerkships can be used to just enter your clerkships (Famulaturen und PJ-Tertial) or also your core-clerkships (U-Kurs bzw. Modulkurse), I considered our Pediatrics and OB/Gyn courses as well as the two - week -clerkship we had to spend with a family pracitioner as core clerkships. As long as you remember having touched a patient you should consider it a clerkship to make sure they don't reject you for lack of practical training !

7.In the end of the IWA you need to print out form 186 and write down the address they list on the bottom where you need to send your papers to.

8. Take form 186 to Frau Lohmann, sign it in her presence, attach your passport-size photograph and ask her for the Dean's signature. Frau Lohmann was very helpful and kind as always and actually had the document ready within three or four business days. She also asks for a copy of your medical diplomas (Physikum und 2. ÄP) for future reference because ECFMG will contact the Dean's office later in the process.

9. Get the following documents ready:

- Two copies of your Medical Diploma PLUS the translation (also two copies) from an official agency that is allowed to give you a notarized translation, including stamp etc., review the Information Booklet for this, there are numerous official translation agencies in the city, just check the yellow pages

- go to ECFMG.org and click on Publications in the upper bar where you can select several forms for download:

- download, print and complete form 344

- download, print and complete form 345 TWICE

- get another passport-size photograph (color) and write your full name and USMLE ID # on the back of it

- download, print and complete form 187

10. In the end make sure every document and photograph has your full name and USMLE ID # on the front or back and send it to : IWA ECFMG, 3624 Market Street 4th Floor, Philadelphia PA, 19104-2685, USA

11. Relax and sit back.

12. Within a week you should receive an e-mail that tells you that your application was received.
You can always check the status online by clicking on "OASIS" where you'll automatically be taken to your personal account. After another one or two weeks you'll get an e-mail telling you that your application was accepted. And then within another week you'll get the Scheduling Permit via e-mail.

13.Schedule your exam date online and then get an account on usmleworld.com and start studying :0)

Eligibility Periods

September - November => Deadline July 31st

October - Dezember => Deadline August 31st

Checklist for a Quickie:

You need (no matter how many exams you apply for):

- form 186 + photograph (color) signed by the Dean
- 2x copies of the medical diploma + official translation (shouldn't cost more than 50 Euros)
- form 344
- 2x form 345
- photograph (color) with name and number on the back
- form 187

Form 186 remains valid for 5 years.

Well, that's it so far. Of course, never trust a doctor ;0) Better review the information booklet yourself.

Good night and good luck !

New Short Fic Huddy * Game over *

2007-06-26T18:03:23Z

Title: GAME OVER (House/Cuddy)
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine, I'm not trying to make any money with them, I already have a job.
Summary: POST - EP - FIC "Human Error", which was a huge challenge. Cuddy is trying to figure out what House's motives are for his recent change in behavior.
Rating: PG-13

+ + + Game over + + +

I. There’s something in the air

The tunes of the song reached his ears, numbed his soul that for once had stopped aching.
His fingers were softly brushing the strings of the guitar almost like they were tightrobe dancers airily balancing between life and death.
He had his eyes closed and felt completely relaxed and calm.
This felt right. Wilson had been right: Sometimes a change made all the difference.

The knock on his door didn’t reach his mind at first. Or at least, he didn’t allow it to reach his mind.
When the second and the third knock turned more forceful though, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to ignore this unwelcome guest.
His fingers stopped and he laid his hand flat against the guitar strings, suffocating the music, turning it into deafening silence within a second.

He froze when he opened the door and didn’t find himself facing Wilson as expected but Cuddy.

“I called for a blonde in a naughty officer’s costume and they’re sending me a brunette in a hospital administrator’s outfit ? Dilettantes !” He growled at her and she furrowed her brow at him in return.

“I brought those legs you like so much”, she teased him softly and looked at him sternly at the same time.

“Somehow I get the feeling that you didn’t come here for the pleasure of adult entertainment”, he snarled.

She sensed how the time window that he granted her before he would slam the door shut in her face once again was closing and moved forward.

“Can I come in ?” she therefore more demanded than asked while she was already crossing his threshold forcing him to step back to let her in.

“I’m not going to cave in”, he declared, still holding the door open as if hoping for her to turn around and leave at this statement.

But she didn't even think of leaving him again, thus proceeding until she was standing in the center of his living room and turned around, looking so strangely unfamiliar in this place, his own private hideaway.
She seemed so much smaller outside her hospital.
The warm sandy colors of her outfit matched the brown shades of his furniture, and she almost appeared to melt into the ambience where he could still feel the music of his guitar lingering.

“I know. But that’s not what I’m here for”, she replied.

He frowned and wondered whether he had sensed some kind of allure in her voice.

She looked around and instantly spotted the guitar leaning against the wall.
It had been a long time since she had been in here and actually nothing had changed.
Nothing except for this guitar.

She looked back up at him, willing to fight as always, but shook her head in defeat when she understood that there was nothing to fight about because she wasn’t even mad at him.
She had been mad but it had for some reason been washed away the very minute she had entered his apartment.
It irritated her to see him so calm, almost light, and she wondered whether that was a good sign or only the foreshadowing of some kind of breakdown that would follow this.
It had been an incredibly rough year for him, for everyone actually who had been around him.

But he seemed to be fine for now. And maybe she should just leave it that way.

So she nodded.

“I get it”, she finally gave in. “You needed a change. It’s natural that people need a break after having worked together so closely for three years. God knows I could need a break from you, too.”

She paused and looked at him, waiting for him to say something. But he didn’t. So she continued, feeling a little self-conscious and out of place because she was obviously shadow boxing.

“Though I am still the boss here. I always make the final calls that haven’t been made yet in this issue.”

She fixed her gaze on him feeling how her feet were losing their ground.

He seemed to be miles away.
He looked down and finally let go off the doorknob, slamming the door shut with a tired movement.

Obviously she was worried, even though she would never admit that.
And she wouldn’t go away unless he prove her that there was no reason to be worried.

“If you think you can force me to work with them by hiring them again –“ he started the fight she was trying to provoke to make sure nothing had changed.

But she interrupted him.

“Nobody can ‘force’ you to do anything, you’re a grown-up. At least according to law”, she added. “But you do need fellows if you want to keep your department…“

Her voice faded and she closed her eyes, raising her hand, massaging her left temple with her fingers that then glid down on her cheek and came to a rest in the back of her neck.
She felt sore and tired and envied House.
Because she also felt like firing the world, firing her whole life.
She also felt in the mood for a drastic change.
And she was not at all in the mood for fighting.

Their eyes met again.

“Is this a midlife crisis ?” she calmly asked him, barely audible, almost smiling at that question herself.

But to her own surprise he simply replied “Maybe” and limped towards the couch, letting himself fall down onto it.

She turned around and looked down at him.

One possible drastic change would be to just break that pattern that she had got used to to protect herself from him.
But breaking that pattern would now feel like a liberation and it had actually never seemed so easy before.
Because he had broken his pattern already, by firing Chase, by letting Cameron go, by yelling at Foreman. And by showing her his jealousy, that he still considered her his territory, after all these years.

But maybe that was only one of his phases. Maybe he was just going through something, just like she had gone through this phase of wanting to have a child.
All she had to do was to allow him some space for this until it was over.
She owed him that.

“Well, then tell me when you’re done”, she therefore finally said, simply and wearily.

He looked up and nodded at her but not without noticing the subtle and unexpected change in her strategy. Obviously his change in behavior had the effect of flipping a domino.

There was a glint in his eyes that made her heart skip a beat. Because it told her to go.
At the same time asking her to stay, asking for closeness, for someone who could hear the music in his head.

Her eyes looked at the guitar again.

She had heard him before she had knocked on his door. It had been a light and smooth melody and she was sure it had been one of his self-composed songs, speaking the words his mouth couldn’t utter.

“It’s nice. Was time you got a new one”, she said when the memory of the music was fading again.

She smiled at him, faintly.

And then she left.

He closed his eyes, his nose sensing the light scent of her perfume lingering in the air along with the music that was still echoing in his head.

This was the reason why she was still in his life whereas others kept stepping in and out of it:
Because she always walked away from him just when he was making a step towards her, so that in the end they never moved apart.
It was like playing tag, like hide and seek.

Though at the moment it felt more like hit and run.

+ + + + + + + + +

II. All out

A week later

She let the ball roll back and forth between her hands as she was dreaming herself away, sitting on his chair in his deserted office.
Her eyes rested on the collectibles on his desk that made it look just like any other person’s desk.
It made her wonder who he really was, what he liked and enjoyed.
Most of the time his personality seemed to get swallowed by the ingenius intellect that was the actual reason why he was bored and annoyed and impatient: Because there was nothing that could challenge his mind.

But all that wasn’t really him.
She knew that beyond this surface of the bored genius there was a very caring, sensitive and surprisingly insecure man to whom it already seemed to be an insolvable challenge to pick out the right clothes to wear on a date, to find the right words on the phone with his parents, to make the right move at the right time to show someone that he cared.
He always hid behind his mind knowing that it would chase most people away so that he wouldn’t have to face this insecurity that was a problem he couldn’t approach on an intellectual level.

But there were few people who wouldn’t let go of him because they saw their challenge in him.
If only for once he could allow these people to emotionally challenge him, too, instead of refusing to let them in or chasing them away.

She looked at the envelope she had put on his desk and hoped he would accept the deal.

His cane bounced against the glass door that flew open and made her look up at him.
His eyes were fiercely blue and unmistakably told her that she was not what he had wanted to find in his office, on his chair, behind his desk.
When had that changed ?
She remembered a time when she had seen his eyes lighting up at the first sight of her in the mornings.

“What are you doing here ?” he barked at her and she got up.

“Got something for you”, she replied, her voice shaky and hoarse and with that alluring touch again, he noticed.

She suppressed a smile when she saw that he was curiously looking at the envelope she picked up from his desk. She stretched out her hand and waited for him to come closer to take the envelope from her.
It felt like luring a wild animal out of its cave.
Finally he laid his cane on the table and took the envelope.

He frowned when he looked at the ticket.

“Cuba”, he stated and looked up at her, finding her smiling at him, again. “Why do you always send me out of the country ?” he asked. “Or did the Communists ‘ask’ you to sent me there to cure the ‘Comandante’ ? And by ‘asking’ I mean, did they buy you over with a life-long supply of extra large Cuban cigars ?”

“I thought it was a nice reference to that last case”, she said, ignoring half of his words. “You seem to be quite famous over there. Maybe it’s time for you to meet your fans before more of them try to swim here for a consult.”

She had tried to sound light, joking and honest, but it hadn’t really come out that way. She knew he could sense the hint of guilt in her voice.
And that weariness.
She was so incredibly tired of dealing with him, because it was nothing more than Sisyphus work. Nothing ever seemed to change between them.

“You mean instead of staying here as the PPTH’s most unwanted employee I should go where my presence is actually being appreciated ? Bet there’s one hell of a party getting launched to celebrate my departure. Are you gonna be the girl jumping out of the cake ?”

She shook her head in defense.

“Don’t be such a drama queen. No one’s trying to get rid of you. It’s a vacation.”

She lowered her gaze and softened her voice again. “Besides...you always wanted to go to Cuba.”

There was something very intimate to these words, because she probably knew him better than they both were aware of : She was right. He had always wanted to go to Cuba.

He looked around and let his gaze wander through his deserted office. A place he had found himself feeling at home in, feeling safe. And somehow now he felt betrayed, with the enemy standing behind his desk, offering him a deal he couldn’t refuse. Friends always had the potential to turn into the most dangerous enemies.
It was pretty obvious that she had something on her mind and he wondered whether he should play along or not. Playing along would be different. And he had found a whole new appreciation for different, lately.

“You’re such a bad liar”, he said and she flinched, startled and guilty.
“You’re way too mad at me to be rewarding me with a ticket to the white sandy beaches of Cuba. You do wanna get rid of me. To secretly yarn your net inside here. You evil conspirer !”

She looked at him, caught, embarrassed, not knowing what to say.

“This is the only time you can do this, becaue your department is down anyway”, she evaded cautiously. “You do deserve this vacation.” And so do I, she added to herself. “You worked hard.”

Her gaze dwelt on his lips as she raised her eyebrow.

“Now admit it already, I know you wanna go there”, she teased him and let out a sigh of relief when she saw that he smiled.

Even though it was an evil smile. He was not naïve, he knew that she wouldn’t be sitting around kicking her heels while he was going on that trip.
But to her surprise he kept the ticket and stuffed it into the pocket of his leather jacket.

“I like it when you get all naughty and conspirative”, he finally said slyly and took his cane from the table. “But don’t expect me to send you a postcard.”

He turned away with an expressionless face and a threatening glint in his eyes.
But he was calm and peaceful when he left.

Her eyes followed him pensively.

“You got a week”, she shouted after him when he was halfway out his office.

But he didn’t even turn around.

“You should at least try to enjoy it !” she added more to herself and sank into his chair, brooding about him.

She had been wrong about him. He hadn’t changed at all. He had been rude, grumpy and superior as always.
He was still House.
But something had changed.

After a while she got up.
She had no time to waste.

+ + + + + + + + +

III. Blue

Another week later

The way she walked by, knowing that numberless eyes were following her, reminded him of Cuddy.
Of course, he had never seen her in an outfit like this. At least not in reality.

The playful elegance in the movements of her slender tanned body along with that winning smile on her face as she was chatting on her cell phone, probably not seeing but knowing that everyone on this beach was staring at her, was exactly what caught people’s attention.

It was the same with Cuddy. People looked at her when she entered the room.
And it wasn’t just her blue eyes, or her long shiny curls, neither was it her outfits.
What really caught peoples’ attention was that self-awareness, this astounding confidence that made everyone around her look grey and small. She knew that she had this effect on others and she had learned to play with it in a most cunning and at the same time charming way that seemed so natural and true. And in her case he knew it was natural. Even when he woke her up in the middle of the night, caught her in the most unvaforable outfits, she still had this aura of almost unhuman elegance.

His blue eyes followed the girl, wandered down on her back, focussed on the flower pattern on her bikini that lay loosely on her swaying hips.
The turquoise water was splashing against her ankles with every wave that hit the beach.

It was a calm, clear ocean today that carried the deep blue of a night sky, while the sky was wearing the light color of crystal waters.
He narrowed his eyes.
The thin line where the surface of the ocean merged into the sky had exactly the color of her eyes, he thought.

It was funny that he hadn’t thought of Cuddy a single time during the whole week.

Until now.

He had to admit that he had really enjoyed the vacation in his own way.

His attention returned to the other people on the beach as the girl was out of his sight, and then back to the book lying in his lap.

But Cuddy stayed on his mind.

So he closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, letting the sun dry the salty drops of sweat on his forehead, breathing in the warm breeze coming from the ocean, knowing that it would be over soon.
Which made this moment even sweeter, though. Because of its transience.
Cuddy was probably restructuring the whole department right now and he was looking forward to snafu it all again at his return. Driving her crazy was so much fun, but it was getting harder as she was adjusting. So he had to adjust, too.

He opened his eyes again and smiled.

All he could see was that thin blue line on the distant horizon, where the ocean kissed the sky.

+ + +

At the same time

Cuddy looked at the young man, hardly listening to him, getting lost in the blue of his eyes.
She hadn’t seen this kind of blue for days since the heavy rain clouds had been darkening the sky the whole week.

But it wasn’t his eyes that reminded her of House. It was his whole attitude. The monosyllabism in which he answered her questions as if he wasn’t at all interested in getting this job.
Cuddy frowned and leant back in her chair, folding her hands on her stomach, eyeing him from head to toe.
He wasn’t even wearing a tie and his shirt was somewhat wrinkled.

She sighed. Why would she want to hire a second House ?
Especially since she had already hired three new fellows, she didn’t even need another one.

“Dr. O’Flaherty, why do you think should I hire you ?” she finally asked him coolly and absolutely unimpressed by his cocky attitude.

The young doctor shrugged his shoulders. His left eyelid twitched. Giving away that, in fact, he was a lot less relaxed than he was trying to look.

“Because I am the best man for this job. I have no private life, I have no hobbies, no friends. No interests other than my cases”, he simply replied.

Cuddy nodded and smiled. “Well, that applies to most of the people who work here, myself included. Is there anything else that separates you from the others ?”

“You mean grades ? International exchanges ? Awards ?”

“No. I mean personality”, she retorted coldly and the young man hesitated.

His answer was just as poor as the rest of the interview but it wasn’t the words that convinced her that she needed to hire him. It was his whole appearance.

He was in fact, like the younger version of House, he was just like the Greg House she had met in Michigan over fifteen years ago. She knew House would hate this guy just as much as she did and that was exactly what he needed.
He needed people who stood up to him, who challenged him, who were not boring because they had complex personalities, who stirred things up inside him, too, who were in a way a reflection of his own inner self.
And this young doctor was hiding his true personality behind this wall of arrogance.
He was damaged and carried some of that misery inside him that also seemed to master House.

Though, actually, she suddenly realized that she hadn’t seen any of that misery in House lately.

Why did that worry her ?

+ + + + + + + + +

IV. Power play

The next day

“I’m not going to work with the Scooby-Doo kids. What drugs were you on when you hired those four clowns ?”

Cuddy looked up having anticipated this the whole morning, actually surprised that he was coming to her so late.
She almost gasped when she saw him.

“You. Look good !” she spat at him in disbelief and noticed a skip in her heartbeat, telling her that she had actually missed him.

His eyes seemed even fiercer now that he was tanned. And they stared at her furiously.

“I knew you were going to do this behind my back. But I didn’t know you had such bad knowledge of human nature.”

“Well, I hired you. You should know better”, she shot back and he came closer.

She remained seated, looking up at him when he stopped in front of her desk.
For a second she could have sworn she could smell the coconut scent of tanning lotion but then she was certain she had just imagined it.
But something was different about him, something other than the tan.
Was it still that high-spirited happiness that seemed to have taken over him, that made him act like a defiant teenager gone wild ?

“They have to go. I’m not going to work like this”, he repeated and she shrugged her shoulders.

“Guess you have to unless you wanna work elsewhere. Did you leave your resumé with the Cubans ?” she retorted dryly and he frowned, not sure whether she was really willing to fire him.

Something about her had changed. But he didn’t know what it was.
Where were that harshness in her voice and the stone cold look in her eyes coming from ?

“Are you seeing anybody ?” he suddenly asked her out of nowhere and she instantly shot back.

“No ? Why ?”

“Cause you’re suddenly so bossy.”

She looked at him in bewilderment and he explained himself.

“After throwing a hundred million dollars down the drain, committing perjury in court and sending me on a Caribbean vacation on hospital costs this harshness seems a little out of the blue.”

She folded her hands and placed them on her desk looking up at him with exactly that kind of self-awareness that he had thought of on the beach the day before.

“You can’t just rampage around your department like a stubborn child, arbitrarily firing staff members and expect me to tolerate it.”

“You usually do”, he retorted and she gave him a condescending look.

“You might not have noticed it because your ego seems to spoil the view on anything else than yourself in the mirror but this is actually a hospital. Here it’s all about the patients and their wellbeing, it’s not about you.”

House pulled a face. “Really ? That’s odd. I always thought this was all about the money. At least you can’t tell me you’re wearing these tops for the patients, cause that would be so totally inappropriate”, he mocked her.

“You wanted a change. I wanted a change. This is the change. So you either deal with this or –“

“Or what ?” he interrupted her.

“You’re free to leave anytime”, she answered, surprised at the cold sincerity in her voice.

He seemed just as surprised as she was because he had nothing to say in return.
Instead he straightened up and nodded silently.

They exchanged wild stares until he smiled and pointed his finger at her.

“You are seeing someone.”

She snorted.

“Why ? Cause I’m suddenly not folding to your sad puppy look anymore ?”

Again, she was surprised at the convincing coldness she could say all this with. But it seemed to work.
Because the stern expression on his face suddenly melted away and he averted his gaze insecurely.

“You know I can’t leave. This is all I have”, he said, almost meekly, for the first time in weeks looking miserable and averted his gaze uncomfortably.

She stared back at him, blankly.
Apparently she had underestimated her power over him. There was one thing that meant something to him.

She closed her eyes, trying to swallow the lump in her throat and for a moment they both remained silent, two loners trapped inside their usually well-guarded feelings.

“Well, then maybe it’s time you prove that you acknowledge that”, she finally replied in a much softer tone.

He nodded again and turned around to leave her office, his silence saying more than he had ever said to her before.

And she sighed, shaking her and not feeling proud at all although she had won this power play.
She had been unreasonably cold to him knowing that he hadn’t changed at all.
That in fact, he had just changed the rules of the game because the old game hat turned out to get boring.
He had won against Tritter, he had won against her by making her commit perjury for him, he had won against Foreman and Chase. So he had started pushing the boundaries. And people had left, without any effect on him.

The only thing that really got to him was taking away his mind games and that lay in her hands.
Therefore his life somehow lay in her hands, too.

And for the first time, they both had become aware of that.

She rested her cheek in her cold hand and leaned on her desk, shaking her head wearily.

For some reason this break hadn’t had the expected effect on either of them.
They both were tense around each other, even more than before.
Especially she was.

What was happening to them ?

+ + + + + + + + +

V.All zen

One week later

“A costume party ? God, this has to be a midlife crisis !” her voice suddenly emerged from somewhere and he turned around in his chair and looked at her, sassy as always, yet perfectly calm.

“You told me I should show my appreciation for my work and colleagues. And there’s nothing more delightful than spending some quality time with dear co-workers. Proper social gathering for the greater good, little intellectual intercourse along with the revelation of people’s true personality seeing them dress up as Sergeant Floyd Pepper and Rizzo the Rat. 100 dollars that Cameron will show up as Snow White.”

He looked at her sheepishly and indulged in her bewilderment.

“You comin’ ? Can bring that new boyfriend of yours”, he asked her boyishly.

She frowned and rested her hand on her hip, leaning on his desk with her other hand.

After their encounter in her office he hadn’t said anything else in this matter, instead, he had silently accepted his four new fellows and hadn’t said a word about the two new departments she had given to two of his former fellows.

“Are you inviting Chase and Cameron, too ?” she therefore asked him, not having the slightest clue about what was going on on his mind and he nodded.

“Well, you gotta keep an eye on the competition”, he simply replied but it was clearly evident that he was pouting and working on a strategy to get back at her for abusing her power over him.

She straigthened up with a knowing look on her face and smiled.

“So you’re accepting the changes ?” she asked him suspiciously.

He shrugged his shoulders.

“I’m all zen”, he simply said and turned away from her to focus on the MRI he had been looking at on the computer screen when she had come into his office.

Cuddy sighed and shook her head. Up to now she didn’t know what his plan was, but it certainly promised not to turn out the way she hoped it would.

“God, you were easier when you were not zen”, she hissed and turned around to leave him alone in his new calmness.

He leaned back and stared blankly at the MRI.

A smile rose on his lips.

He felt hazy. But this time he knew it wasn't the antidepressants. What was it then ?

+ + + + + + + + +

VI. All in

The smoke of the cigars he had brought back from Cuba was clouding his vision.
But somehow everything looked nicer through that hazy curtain. Everything was more distant as if none of that was really part of his life. It couldn’t reach him.

He had rented a private room adjacent to the casino and lounge of the only decent hotel in New Jersey. They were serving edible food and made sure no one ever ran low on their cocktails and they had a giant round poker table with green soft felt all to themselves.
The voices from the guests in the lounge next door and the soft piano music were a soothing murmur in the background and House was surprised that everyone was there.
Everyone except Foreman and Cuddy, who had called that she would be late.

House’s eyes focussed on his cards as he was trying to sort this out.

Why was no one bothered by this sudden change in his M.O. ?
He himself was highly alarmed by the unusual conformity of his behavior because that wasn’t him.
But everybody else thought that he was doing fine, because if he behaved like a normal human being, he conclusively had to be one.
Meaning in reverse that if he behaved like a miserable asshole, he naturally had to feel miserable, too.
But in his case it was the other way around.
He behaved like that because he felt strange. He felt calm. And he felt calm because he felt nothing. Not even miserable. Though, he did feel mildly cocky and strangely free, which was why he didn’t even care that he was losing this poker game.
Now was that still a late effect of the antidepressants Wilson had put him on secretely behind his back ?

That moment the door opened and Cuddy entered.

Eight pairs of eyes stared at her in disbelief and she stared back.
House grinned and heard Wilson hiding his amusement behind an awkward cough. Chase turned back at the table smirking and even Cameron had trouble remaining serious, pressing her lips together, staring at the green felt of the table.
Someone chuckled.

The expression on Cuddy’s face showed the astonishing evolution from a puzzled look to a furious glare in his direction resuming in that confident elegance of total indifference he usually saw on her face.

She was the only one wearing a costume, because she had been the only one who had received an invitation to a costume fest. All the others had been invited to a poker night.

But she wouldn’t be Cuddy if she didn’t know how to deal with a situation like this.
She was used to humiliation.
So she approached the table with a winning smile on her face and sat down next to Wilson who had reserved a seat for her and was throwing an acknowledging but “You-my-friend-are-in-serious-trouble”-look at House when she wasn’t paying attention.

House suppressed a smile and looked at her, hardly being able to hide his fascination.

“Hm”, he finally managed to comment on her costume. “I actually thought you’d come as the Queen of Hearts. Or as the Wicked Witch of the West at least. But Queen Elizabeth the First ? That’s just so predictable.”

She threw an unimpressed look at him and he nodded.

“So what are you drinking ? Bloody Mary ?”

“You’re such a joker”, she said sarcastically and picked up her set of cards, playfully arranging them between her fingers, glancing at House every once in a while, firing acid stares at him.

House blew the smoke of his cigar into the air and realized that this evening had just reached its climax.

There were four women sitting at this table, Cameron, Queen Elizabeth I. and two of the new fellows Cuddy had hired. But despite their own natural beauty three of them were now no longer existent to House because Cuddy’s presence was so overwhelming.
House wondered once more why she had that effect.
In this case it would have been easy to blame it on the costume. Or on the fact that she was their boss.
But it was more than that.
Hence, House used her undivided attention on her cards to unhinderedly study her. Not just her face, where she got cute little wrinkles between her eyebrows when she had a bad hand, but her whole appearance.

She had certainly put a lot of work into that costume and he wondered how she could even breathe with that tight corset that looked like it was trying to make her breasts either fall out or explode any minute. Even her hair was swept up with a hat-like ugly but very in-style crown on top of it from which a thick white pearl was dangling down on her forehad.

He smiled.
All this effort for his little party ?

But at the same time she smiled to herself, too.
Because he had obviously put some thought into organizing a poker night that turned out to be a very nice evening that made them all forget some of their worries for a while. He had done that even though he obviously hated most of the people sitting at the table with him.
Why ? What was wrong with him ?

+ + +

An hour later

House leaned back and checked his watch impatiently. Cuddy had been gone for almost fifteen minutes now. Whoever had called her obviously didn’t know anything about manners to interrupt her when she was finally having a key hand in this poker game.
He looked at Wilson who was eagerly concentrating on the game, looking strained as he rubbed his forehead thoughtfully.
They were all losing, this Irish whippersnapper was beating the pants off them all.
He put his cards on the table and got up.

“I’m out”, he stated and left the round to look for Cuddy.

She had left the table when someone had started calling her on her cell phone over and over again and had vanished behind a door that led to another private party room.

He found her leaning against the wall of the low-lit deserted room.
Apart from the cell phone she was holding up to her ear with her right hand she really did look like a queen in that magnificent voluminous dress. In her left hand she was holding her stiff scratchy Elizabeth collar she had taken off a while ago and played around with it absent-mindedly. Her curls had started falling out of that updo she had forced her hair into, making her look a lot softer and more Queen Anne-like. Which was a much less scary picture, he had to admit.

She flinched and straightened up when she noticed that he had entered.

“Listen. I really need to go. Call me if there’s any more problems”, she quickly cut the person on the phone off and hung up.

“You’re really falling out of your role using that ghost machine from the future”, he told her off and she smiled at him.

“This is nice”, she almost whispered, her eyes sparkling from the Martini she had allowed herself. “You did good. Even if it’s awkward, it’s a change for the better. Shows that you’re after all human.”

In fact, she didn’t know whether she really liked this change since she had no idea where it was leading to.

He looked at her somberly. “Well, I guess you left me no choice.”

“I never told you to change”, she instantly replied.

“Yah, but even your patience has it’s limits. You’re getting older, too. There’ll be a day when you will fire me. We both know that.”

She looked at him, puzzled. Her lips parted but she held her breath.

For the first time in her life she had no idea who he was at that moment and she was pretty sure that he had no idea either. He appeared so vulnerable and defenseless and she wondered why.

“You know I’d never fire you”, she finally said lackadaisically.

House nodded and looked away. Of course he knew that.

They were both trying to find back into their old roles that had made everything so simple.
Where she would yell at him, bossing him around, always getting his insulting snark in return but knowing he would do the right thing in the end anyway.
It was their game.
But somehow this didn’t feel like playing anymore. This felt serious.
Maybe they were getting old. Maybe they were tired.
Or maybe they were finally accepting things.

“So, you’re going home to your boyfriend now?”

She snorted cynically and shrugged her shoulders.

“Why do you care ?”

There was so much annoyance in her voice all of a sudden.
And then slowly the reason for that dawned on him.
It had been in the balance for a while now and it was incredibly tiring to leave it unanswered, apparently especially for her.
That was the real reason for this tension between them. Because it had come to a complete standstill.
The game was over and he was out because he had waited too long.

His grip around the round knob of his tuxedo cane tightened as he looked at her.

“I like you.”

Again, she snorted, but with a bewildered look on her face.

“No you don’t.”

With these words she turned away towards the door.
But suddenly she felt something strangely unfamiliar happening: She felt his fingers gently closing around her wrist, holding her back, keeping her from leaving the room.
She turned around slowly, cautiously and stared down at his hand touching hers.
A gesture that seemed so intimate, yet so distorting because it was coming from him.

The moment he realized just how much that freaked her out he let go and their eyes met.

A silent gasp emerged her lips.

“Wow”, she whispered wordlessly and didn’t know whether to smile or to run away.
“This really is a crisis, isn’t it ?” she found herself repeating, but he remained silent.

She approached him when he avoided eye contact and now it was her who reached out for his hand.

“Are you okay ?” she asked him softly, relieved that she finally knew that her instincts had been right: Something was wrong with him, had been wrong before she had sent him on his vacation.
This really wasn’t him. And it wasn’t over, whatever it was.

He shrugged his shoulders and stared at her hand that was awkwardly holding his.
They were so incredibly out of practice, he noticed. Because they hardly ever touched and when they did it felt strange, because it hurt. Just like now. It carried too many reminiscences of a night when there hadn’t been a single inch of skin that had been left untouched by the other one's hands.

His skin seemed to burn under her touch.

“I don’t know”, he finally replied and looked up at her. “Am I ?”

She bit her lip when she understood how lost he was in himself.
Though when she looked back up at him she saw a glint of happiness in his eyes that made her shiver. Apparently he was okay, somehow, she stated confusedly and let go of his hand, adjusting the silk handkerchief in his tux pocket – a sweet little displacement activity.
She let her hand glide down his chest thoughtfully before she looked at him again.

“Let’s go back inside. It’s your party”, she said, leaving his question dangling in the air, unanswered like so many other things between them and turned away.

This wasn’t the right time, ironically it never was.

“I’m out anyway. That new guy you hired is winning. He’s smart”, he said and followed her when she opened the door back to the party room.

“No”, she contradicted childishly. “You’re in again. I’m the Queen. I just changed the rules.”

When she saw the faces looking at them from the poker table she thought of themselves as a unity, a strange pairing that shared a secret no one else at that table knew.
And then she understood what was happening to them.

They were falling in love.

Again.

Short - Fic House/Cuddy * Frozen Yogurt *

2007-06-22T21:31:18Z

So there I was...on the third day of my post-exam-diet thinking about nothing but food and then this little ficlet emerged somewhere in my mind. Hope you enjoy it a little ! Comments, reviews, suggestions always appreciated !

Title: Frozen Yogurt
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine and I don't want to earn any money with them, I'm simply using them for personal enjoyment, teehee
Rating: PG-13 at most...
Spoilers and Summary: based on what House said to Cuddy in "Forever" and on what we learned in "Finding Judas" we learn more about House's obsession with her behavior patterns and his incredible sensitivity.

“Once a month, when you leave the kid's cancer ward, your eyes glisten. About three days later, you break your banon sugar and chow down a bucket of frozen yogurt in the cafeteria, sprinkles included. Based on the last yogurt sighting, you've got another week before you ovulate.” House to Cuddy in “Forever”

Frozen Yogurt

Usually there was a pattern in everything she did.
Of course, it was a pattern only to him who had been studying her for almost eleven years now. It gave him the illusion that he knew her, that he understood how she worked on the inside.
But in fact, he knew nothing.

He only knew that frozen yogurt was always a bad sign. Especially this week.
Because she had never eaten this much frozen yogurt before, and she had never taken such a long break from it before either.
And that broke the pattern he had got used to in all these years.

Frozen yogurt was the strongest proof that she had her weaknesses, too. That she was a woman who – like any other woman and basically any other human being – had good days and bad days.
Days when they wanted to shut the world out, days when all they needed was an embrace, a shoulder to lean on, the lack of which making them feel naked, cold and lost in a world where women no longer could afford the privilege of being the fairer sex.
Days when they needed to indulge in the sweetness of a forbidden sin to feel alive.
Days when their longing for something was so overwhelming that sublimation was the only thing that kept them from going crazy and running amok.

Yes, all this lay in the hands of the frozen yogurt industry.
And House wondered whether they knew about their responsibility for the mental health of millions of women.

Frozen yogurt had completely vanished from her menu over the past weeks.
And now it was back.
In alarmingly high amounts and variable flavors. All of them carrying a message of their own.

After a fight with him she usually went for the light, fruity sugar-free lime flavored one.
That had changed though. In the beginning she had needed the full load of heavy dark chocolate flavor and over the years she had got used to the constant annoyance employing him meant. He had liked noticing that change, he liked to be associated with the fresh biting flavor of lime. Though he had to admit that it had made him proud to have been the reason why she had fallen for the taste of rich luscious chocolate over and over again. There was nothing better than watching a woman fall for temptations and regretting their weakness afterwards.
Guilt was a giant turn on when combined with desire.

After a bad date he had spotted her choosing the colorful flavors, switching back and forth between strawberry and green apple. He was still trying to figure out whether strawberry was related to a bad date involving bad sex, too, or just to a bad date in general.

Because she always went for the berry flavors after bad sex.

For the revealing mornings after nights with good sex she always reserved the rich and creamy flavors, Caramel and Vanilla.
Vanilla was the only flavor she chose for the plain satisfaction of feeling the aromatic explosion of flavor melting on her tongue.
She chose it for the pure sin itself before she would return to her life of self-control and duties.
He had only seen her eat that a handful of times including the time she had shared one whole bucket of Vanilla frogurt with him…

Passion fruit was an indicator of pure desperation and hystery. She always ate that when her mother was in town.

Pineapple, Banana and Coconut were reserved for the weekends and Friday nights she had to work, expressing that, despite all her love for her job, she did know that she was missing something out there.

About three months ago after a four-hour board meeting he had spied an empty paper cup of hazelnut frogurt in her garbage bin. Nuts ? He wondered whether her sense of taste also had a sense for puns.

Guilt usually made her crave for Black Truffle. He had seen a lot of that in those eleven years.

And then there were the worst days.

The ones where she chose the plain white, sugar- and fatfree version. The one that tasted like a mixture of soy, rice and old paper.
Those were the days when she felt colorless and empty, when even the blue in her eyes seemed to fade into the abyss of expressionless whiteness.
And that was exactly the frozen yogurt she was spooning now.
For the third time in a row.

House watched her from the distance while he was waiting for his hot dog.
She always sat down at the same table in the cafeteria, the one closest to the exit, as if she was feeling guilty for taking a break at all.
Apparently she was completely absorbed with the lecture of an article in the medical journal lying on the table in front of her while she was playing around with the spoon in the half-empty bowl of simple white frozen yogurt. Every once in a while she lifted the spoon and stuffed some of it into her mouth, abstractedly sucking on the spoon as if she was hoping for some flavor to be released out of the cold metal.
He grabbed a fistful of ketchup and mustard packages, took a coke out of the fridge and walked over to her table sitting down on the chair across from her.
Wordlessly and simply as if there was nothing in the world that could be more natural.

She looked up and frowned, but most of all she was on the alert to defend her little peaceful ten-minute escape from her work.
But when he didn’t return the look but started squeezing the ketchup over his hot dog she remained silent and pretended he wasn’t even there.
So she looked down again and continued reading her article.

He was obviously trying to annoy her because there was no way anybody decent would ever eat a hot dog that noisily in a public space sitting at a table with a woman.
Ignoring it worked for about a minute.
He finally had her when he made a straw sucking noise that could have taken on the suction sounds in the OR.
She gave him a condescending look.

“If there’s anything you’re trying to communicate here, please do it now. Cause I’m not going to tolerate those primate sounds any longer.”

“That’s too bad, cause I was going to give you some examples of my famous tongue twister belches.You would have been impressed.”

“Well if that’s how you tried to pick up the girls in college it’s no wonder you were single most of the time.”

“Yah. Most of the time”, he replied and gave her a sincere look that made her avert her gaze sourly.
“What ?” he asked innocently. “You brought that up.”

Still looking at her he lifted the hot dog to his mouth again and took another big bite with the ketchup covered onions dropping onto the plastic plate.
His eyes went back and forth between the expression on her face while she was trying to ignore him and her fingers playing with the spoon in her frogurt bowl.
She had stopped eating it and it was slowly melting into a milky slurry mush while the fingers of her other hand slid under the pages of her journal and turned them, one after another one.
It was obvious that she wasn't going to finish her yogurt, neither was she going to finish reading the articles.

Then why was she still sitting there, trying to ignore him, so obviously failing at the same time ?

He frowned when he noticed the tiny puffs under her eyes and let his eyes scan her from head to toe until he saw the pieces of the puzzle finally assembling in front of his inner eye.
It all made perfect sense.
His eyes came to a rest on her hands, wandered over her knuckles and focussed on the thin lines of her long fingers. He was sure that he already knew these lines by heart, just like he knew the exact number of freckles she got in the summer and that she never got puffs under her eyes unless she cried herself to sleep at least three days in a row.

She was now stirring the spoon around in the frozen yogurt mush.

“Frozen yogurt”, he finally mumbled thoughtfully and she nodded silently before she suddenly looked up, alarmed by the soft tone of his voice.

She felt caught. Because she knew that he knew her secret.
He was the only one who understood the language of the frozen yogurts, actually he was the one who had made her become aware of that herself. She had never paid attention to it until he had told her that this had been the key to figuring out her menstrual cycle.
Which, by itself, had been an insanely disturbing move, even for House.

She looked at the last melting scoop of frozen yogurt she had so absent-mindedly played around with and put the spoon down guiltily, feeling completely unguarded. Her fingers felt cold and stiff.

Their eyes met and she returned his look frankly, allowing him to reveal that most intimate secret she had kept to herself over the past eight weeks.

For a second the silence between them allowed the heaviness of all the unspoken feelings each one of them was carrying around with them to unfold. The space in between them filled with possibilities of what might have been. And that comfortable distance between them, that they both needed to breathe seemed to fade.

But before any of this could really crawl inside one of them and find a place in their souls to sit down, rest and grow, he shrugged and looked away.

“Curious. Could have sworn you were pregnant.”

She lowered her gaze and swallowed, feeling the last layer of sweetness from the frozen yogurt on her tongue running down her throat, realizing how the cold of it suddenly made her shiver inside, stealing her the warmth of the blood running through her veins.
She bit her lip and let her eyes wander over the words and numbers in the medical article lying in front of her. They all seemed so meaningless when they slowly disappeared behind that thin film of tears emerging in her eyes. So she looked away from them, too and watched the people passing by, entering and leaving the cafeteria, laughing, chatting, chewing.
Everything was fine. Normal. Okay. And so was she.
The colors returned and the pictures in front of her eyes sharpened again as she swallowed her tears and looked at House again.

“I was”, she finally admitted hoarsely and saw the surprise in his eyes when he looked up at her.

There weren’t many things that caught his attention.
Which was why it hurt to see that this did. Because that meant that this was not as meaningless as she had tried to make it seem to cope with her loss.
It meant that this really was something that could turn your world upside down.

Before he could even respond to that she got up and left the table heading for the ladies’ room, at least that’s what he supposed.
To wipe away the only objective traces of her pain: the thin mascara shadow under her lower eyelid.
Thereby wiping away the pain itself.
Because that’s what they always did.
He had his pills. She had her own escapes, too.

The words were lying heavy on his tongue, now ripped off their meaning since she didn't even want to hear them.
Maybe because she hadn't expected him to say anything at all.
He tasted the bitterness of the silence she had left him with, it ran down his throat, burdening his heart with every other beat.
Once again the words would remain unspoken adding to the distance between them.
Yet, that invisible connection would always be there.

Because they had their own language that allowed them to remain a secret to the world while revealing their vulnerability to one another, to the only person who could save them.
To whom they could show their frangibility without risking to be broken.

He swallowed a pill with a big gulp of coke and leant back in his chair, staring at the empty space in front of him.

The frozen yogurt was running down the spoon she had played with only a few minutes ago. Viscid white drops were slowly dripping on the table.

She was going to be fine. Because she had returned to eating frozen yogurt.

And he knew that there would be a day when she would even eat Vanilla frogurt again.

Short-Fic House/Cuddy: * Scene in a Bar *

2007-06-22T14:23:39Z

I posted this over at Fanfiction.net as well. But as always I want it to be here, too.

Title: Scene in a Bar (House and Cuddy and Wilson)
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me and I am not trying to earn any money with them.
Rating: Teens are welcome
Spoilers for the Fic: Season 3
For everything else I guess you'll have to read the fic, the summary basically is in the title ;0)

Scene in a Bar

House checked his watch as he looked inside the pub.
Of course, Wilson was late. He was always late on Friday nights.
And this was the last chance he would give him, it was getting annoying.

This was their third poker Friday in a row and Wilson always lost anyway, there was no point in continuing this especially since it was turning into a habit and House hated new habits that interfered with his old ones.
Friday had always been hooker night, or at least it was reserved for some good adult entertainment, if not for the lecture of the newest approaches in Ophthalmology.

House could never get enough of the insane science projects going on in the smallest fields of medicine.
There was a reason why the results of these projects were only printed in medical journals only accessible to the paying highly qualified customer and that the articles always managed to be written in a completely illegible, nauseatingly boring style.
Because if people actually understood the true meaning of these articles they would scratch their heads, turn around and spend their money on more useful stuff, like a boat or a motor cycle.

And then research would die.

He had one of these medical journals under his arm as he entered the pub that was packed with people.
It was noisy, smelly, warm and anonymous, the last aspect being the only one that convinced him to stay.

His eyes instantly checked out the insides of the place in its entirety. From the lamps on the ceilings to the bottles on the shelf behind the bar, from the few empty tables next to the restrooms to the group of young women obviously warming up for their bachelorette party in the opposite corner.

He narrowed his eyes though when he recognized an irregularity in the row of people lined up next to each other, sitting at the bar.
There was only one single woman among what mostly seemed to be business partners and friends hanging out for some drinks.
House studied the back of that woman with dark curly hair wearing an expensive coat and even more expensive shoes.

He had heard the sound of these shoes at least once that day.
And even though they looked elegantly fragile and seemed to promise that the owner of them was up for hot steamy Friday night action, he knew that in fact the owner of them wouldn’t hesitate to use them as a weapon. And that they were not fragile at all given the fact that the woman wearing them had energetically patrolled the whole hospital in them all day, like the never tiring general of an army.
He would never understand in what way a woman’s cerebellum differed from a man’s that they were actually really capable of walking in these shoes.
Why didn’t anybody do research on that rather than on the question whether caterpillar hairs could penetrate the vitreous body of the eye ball ?

For a moment he hesitated because she couldn’t see him.
He could easily back out and go home, thereby killing two birds with one stone by also avoiding the poker night with Wilson.
But then Wilson would probably show up at this pub at some point and if there was anyone he would want to see spending time with Cuddy less than himself it was Wilson.
After two dates a third accidental one on a Friday night would have to lead to something.

Especially since Cuddy was hungry.

Her shoes, her newly coiffed hair, her elegant black skirt, the push-up bra she was wearing under her low cut top and her extra mascara had told him that when he had entered her office that morning.
He hadn’t said anything, the woman deserved some fun.
Because apparently to her it was just fun, she wasn't looking for anything serious.
Why else would she have dated that ballroom dance loving lube guy ?

But she was alone now.
And this pub was neither a place for a blind date nor for someone dressed that well.
He smirked.
Something must have gone wrong.
And he wanted to know it.
He wanted to know why Cuddy wouldn’t have any fun that night.

So he approached her from behind, squeezing in between her and another man sitting next to her with his back turned towards her.
He made sure the handle of his cane hit the man’s back forcefully enough to get through the mass of fatty tissue guarding his muscles.

“Excuse me ?” the man irritatedly turned around to look at House and House gave him a coy but somehow belligerent look, pointing at his cane.

“Oh, excuse ME”, House said in a faked polite tone. “It’s just this wire in my brain ever since my accident. I can’t control it. I’m deeply sorry if I hurt you”, he added letting a serious look of pain and sorrow on his face follow his words.
“She’s a doctor”, he added, nodding towards Cuddy who had turned around, too and was staring at him in disbelief. “I'm sure she'd be happy to explain it to you.”

The man looked at him, then at Cuddy, who was obviously feeling very uncomfortable for obvious reasons, and decided to give in.

“Asshole”, he finally mumbled and left his spot at the bar.

House took his spot now with a satisfied smile and sat down on the bar stool.
Cuddy shook her head and turned away from him, trying to catch the bartender’s attention.

“Can I have the check please ?” she asked him but House interrupted her.

“No, give her another one of those Virgin Coladas, it’s on me”, he said and the bartender looked at Cuddy, waiting for her approval.

“Check !” she said again, now even more determinately and the bartender turned away to get her check.

“Partypooper”, House snarled at her and she looked at him somberly.

“I’m not the one who almost started a fight in a pub and then played the cripple card to cowardly back out of it”, she mumbled coldly and he shrugged his shoulders.

“Wanted to sit next to you. You should acknowledge my motives more instead of whining over my methods”, he retorted and she looked at him thoughtfully.

“Are you stalking me again ?” she finally asked him and he frowned in fake surprise, waving his hand wearily.

“After stalking you watching the annual American Philatelic Society's discussion round on TV showed more potential to thrill me. Your last date was boring.”

“It wasn’t”, she instantly shot back. “Cause if it had been boring you wouldn’t have shown up at my door trying to play chaperon”, she replied and knew she had a point.

He looked away awkwardly.
She took her wallet out of her purse to pay for her drink, feeling satisfied at the notion that she was right about his motives for disturbing the best date she had had that year so far.

“So, where’s your date now ?” he gnarled when Cuddy had finished paying her drink and was putting her wallet pack into her purse.

“Not here”, she simply stated and got ready to get up.

House got up as well and got in her way.
She sighed and looked at him in annoyance.

“What are you doing ?” she asked him impatiently and raised her eyebrows waiting for an answer.

He just looked down at her silently and with such intensity that she narrowed her eyes, giving him a suspicious look.

“Are you on something ?” she asked in an irritated tone, noticing his unusually wide pupils and he shrugged his shoulders.

“I’m waiting for Wilson. You know he always does his snuggle bunny rounds on Friday afternoons. It could take an hour till he gets here. You really wanna let me wait alone ?” he responded.

She furrowed her brow when she heard the subtle seriousness in his voice. But it worked, it disarmed her.

“Well, since you asked so nicely”, she replied hardly sarcastically at all, surprised at his unusual approach.

“Good”, he simply answered. “I knew there was a heart somewhere hidden in this ice castle”, he stated and the two of them sat down again.

“Get her another Bloody Mary and for me just a Scotch”, he snapped at the bartender and Cuddy looked at him.

“How did you know I had a Bloody Mary ?” she asked.

“Your breath smells like celery”, he replied and she smiled.

He was the most attentive person she knew, and somehow that ironically made him the most sensitive person she knew as well.

They remained silent and watched their drinks being made.
It felt strange, the two of them sitting next to each other in a pub.
Like friends. Or like any other couple on a Friday night.
Or like colleagues hanging out after work.
Or like two complete strangers that happened to end up in the same place by accident.

They were still silent even after they had received their drinks.

He stared at the ice cubes jingling in his glass indulging in her simple presence.

“Did he ditch you ?” he finally broke the silence, almost sounding aggressive for some reason.

“What ?” Cuddy replied, obviously having been miles away before his words had reached her ears.

“Your blind date, did he ditch you ?” he repeated indifferently and she lifted her glass to her lips, taking a cautious sip of her Bloody Mary since she was still feeling the effects of the first one making her dizzy.

“No”, she softly responded. “I ditched him.”

House nodded respectfully, noticing that this fact pleased him more than he would have expected.

“Why ?” he then asked and she looked at him in surprise.

“Do you actually care or is this just small talk ?” she countered irritatedly and realized that he never made small talk, so he had to care and that felt disturbing.

Hence, she remained silent. And so did he.

This silence was new to them because whenever they met all they did was talking. Fighting, in fact. But when it came to a normal grown-up conversation they were lost.
What had turned them into this ?
Why was it so hard for them to let go, to just be who they were sometimes ?
She took another sip of her Bloody Mary.
And after a thoughtful sigh she did let go.

“He was ugly”, she finally admitted and House looked at her from the side.

“You know, if you really wanna find true love you have to stop judging books by the cover”, he sneered and she rolled her eyes.

“I wasn’t looking for true love", she replied coolly. "And he was too short”, she added, almost childishly.

“Only because his legs are short, doesn’t mean the rest of his equipment is”, he found himself defending a complete stranger who would never have the luck to sleep with her just because of a lack of growth hormone.

She turned her head around at him and gave him a disgusted look.

“House, I’m really not that needy”, she snorted and shook her head. “Seriously, he looked like….“ and took a pause to find the right comparison until her eyes widened. “…that guy in Michigan who got kicked out for peeing into a professor’s convertible after he had failed one of his classes. You remember him, don’t you ?”

House shook his head.

“No, don’t remember him, but that professor was a moron. And his convertible was ugly. If that guy hadn't peed on it I would have done it", he responded.

Then he looked up.

"Wait, wasn't he this chubby blonde kid with the beard ?" he finally seemed to remember and she saw his face light up.

She nodded. "So you do remember him", she stated and he shrugged his shoulders.

"He was annoying. But his parties were interesting", he admitted unwillingly.

“Yah, his parties were fun”, she agreed dreamily and smiled at him openly, suddenly feeling the connection they had lost at some point.

“He also threw that notorious 'Spring Break on Campus Party', didn't he ?” he asked, suddenly feeling vivid memories flooding his mind.

She nodded and felt a strange glow in the center of her body.

“Yes, they turned the whole library into a beach for one night. I still had sand in my shoes long after the finals”, she said almost cheerfully and he looked at her, noticing how she had let go of her usual guardedness and was now only a woman sitting next to him in a pub, smiling at him, talking to him, as if nothing else in the world existed.

It was nice for a change. Maybe he should start adding vodka to her morning coffee. The amphetamines sure had helped Wilson, maybe it was time to dose her with something. It was her turn anyway.

Then another memory was brought back.

It almost felt unreal and still he knew it wasn’t just a fantasy in his head.
This was real, the memory was real. And the look on her face was real.

“Do you remember that party after the finals, too ?” he suddenly asked her hoarsely.

She smiled innocently but noticing the different almost smoky tone in his voice that made her mouth dry so that she lifted her glass to her lips again.
Not averting her look while she felt the drink running down the back of her throat, leaving a spicy taste on her tongue.
Slowly she turned towards him on her chair and let her fingertips glide down on the cold wet surface of her now half emptied glass.
His eyes were focussing on every move she made, noticed the twitch of her lips, noticed the knowing look in her eyes, the eyebrow raising above her right eye, her fingers running up and down the glass and her other hand brushing through her hair, indicating that she did remember the party in every detail.

“Was there anything worth remembering ?” she asked indifferently and glanced at him, with an almost kittenish expression on her face.

They exchanged meaningful looks excluding the world.
Because no one could read or understand these looks, except for the two of them.
They were sharing the same thoughts, seeing the memories lighting up in each other's eyes.

Until he looked back at the glass in his hand and shook his head curling his lips.

“No. Just the usual stuff. People getting drunk, drugged…and laid”, he replied just as coyly but making sure he emphasized the right words and she nodded and turned back towards the bar again, feeling the heat rising in her face.

In his own weird way this was as close to admitting his feelings for her as he could get. It was nice, it meant that all the things that had happened to him over these past months hadn't happened for nothing. That she hadn't perjured herself for nothing. Because he had started taking tiny steps out of his comfort zone. And she refused to believe that this was all about his antidepressants.

She felt a smile on her lips and glanced at him from the side. He cautiously returned the look and furrowed his brow at her indignantly.

"What ?" he asked her and she shook her head knowingly.

A lot had happened since then. And at the same time it seemed like nothing had happened.

“That was long ago...” she silently added after a pause but he showed no reaction and went back to staring at the ice cubes in his glass instead.

She felt how suddenly the window that had been opened between them was closing again.
And she felt how the second Bloody Mary was reaching her brain making the room spin.

“I think I should go”, she finally stated and reached for her purse when she heard his voice almost out of the blue again.

“So you’re not joining me and Wilson for our Friday night strip poker session ?” he asked her in his usual grumpy tone.

“Sounds very tempting, but I actually think I’ll pass”, she retorted softly and paid the bartender for her drink again.

“Why ? Think we might be in favor cause we’re wearing underwear ?” he mocked her and she smiled viciously.

“Wilson isn’t wearing any underwear”, she replied in a mysterious tone and grinned when she saw the surprise on his face.

She kept him on tenterhooks for a few seconds, enjoying his speechlessness and the flabbergasted look on his face.
Finally she sighed and shook her head.

“He came to my place to do his entire laundry yesterday because the laundry service in his hotel is all messed up. He had no time to pick up his stuff and I certainly won’t bring his laundry to work. Way too much inspiration for the gossip industry. So he’s been wearing the same shirt for days, has no socks and no underwear. It’s all in my tumble dryer”, she finally solved the mystery.
“I actually thought you’d noticed that, too”, she added a little confused.

But House was still skeptical. Because of the whole image of Wilson's boxer shorts spinning around in her washing machine. It just didn't fit.

“All his shirts look the same”, he evaded when he had fully regained his speech still trying to digest the images in his head.

How was he going to play poker with a guy who wasn't wearing any underwear ?

“You sure he’s not wearing any of your underwear at the moment ?” he added and she smiled and got up.

“Well, guess you’ll have to win that strip poker game of yours tonight to find out”, she whispered steamily, leaning in towards him so that her breath tickled his ear.

For a second her fingertips brushed his shoulder and her perfume filled the air he was breathing in, all this seemingly slowing down time, just for the blink of an eye.
Then she walked away, leaving the air loaded with electricity that seemed to rain down on him in sparks that burned on his skin.
He listened to her heels clacking on the wooden floor of the pub as she left and lifted his glass, smiling to himself.

When Cuddy stepped outside she almost bumped into Wilson who had stood outside for a minute and had watched the unusual scene he had found himself witnessing unexpectedly.

They had seemed so comfortable around each other for the first time in years.
So he had granted them that moment and had patiently waited outside.
Judging by the glint in Cuddy’s eyes this had been the right decision.
Seeing her so relaxed and content after an encounter with House and seeing him smiling at her broke the laws of nature.

But it was nice for a change.

And changes involving House were a rare occasion.

Hit the Ground ~ Final Chapter ~

2007-06-22T14:03:05Z

All the previous links:

1 Hit the Ground
2 It's alright now
3 Rise and Fall
4 Thunderstorms
5 Out of Control and 6 Drowning in your Kisses in the Well
7 Interception and 8 Goodbye, my Almost Lover
9 Breaking Points and 10 Truth or Consequences
11 Nothing changes, nothing stays the same
12 Friends
13 Seeds
14 Luke and Laura and Roy
15 Obsessive Minds
16 Pieces of a Puzzle
17 Take your veil down
18 See your eyes in mine

Follow the cut to the final chapter !

Hit the Ground ~ 19 ~ Hit the Ground and Run

Three months after House’s leg infarction

Cuddy stood in front of his apartment door and tarried indecisively.

She had been doing that for almost five minutes now and found it was getting ridiculous.
So she finally decided to bite the bullet and knocked on his door.
To her surprise he opened.
But slammed the door the moment he saw it was her.

She sighed. She had expected that.

Wilson had told her that Stacy had left House and she was now coming here with all she could offer him to give him something to focus on.
She pondered as she turned around and leaned against his door, nervously patting her foot on the ground.
It was a silent jingling sound that caught her attention and she looked down at her foot.
She frowned and crouched.
And then she smiled.

There was a spare key lying under his doormat.

That was a very dumb hiding place for a spare key, but then again hers wasn’t more creative either.

She let the key slide into the lock and opened it with a clicking sound.

When she saw the mess in his living room she understood why Wilson had sounded so worried.

There were leftovers from numerous delivered meals, empty bottles and cans lying around everywhere and newspapers and magazines were flooding the ground. A pair of sweatpants was wrapped around the armrest of a chair and there was a baseball innocently lying in the corner of his couch. But a broken lamp across the room told her that this baseball probably wasn’t as innocent as it looked like.

She blew out a deep-drawn sigh, closed the door behind her noisily and started cleaning up his living room.

It was her way of winning time and it worked until she suddenly saw a dark shadow leaning against the doorframe in the corner of her eye.

She winced and dropped an empty pizza box.

“What are you doing?” House hissed dangerously and she turned around towards him.

“I’m not sleeping with you. Guilt is a turn-off”, he replied coldly and she glared at him.

“That’s not what I’m here for”, she said dumbly immediately being punished for it.

“Yeah, I figured”, he snapped and limped away with his crutches.
“Bugger off!” he snarled at her over his shoulder and she followed him down the hall to his bedroom until he stopped her by turning around.

“You might wanna listen to me first before you chase me away”, she said, looking up to him, realizing how much taller he was.

“I don’t care. Because whatever you do your motive is guilt. And you should be guilty. Cause you wrecked me”, he bawled her out.

“Don’t be pathetic”, she shot back getting angry at his self-righteousness.

Over the past weeks everyone had been extremely considerate of his situation, including her. But it was time that life turned back to normal. They had to move on.

“You’re not wrecked, you’re just a miserable asshole who now has an excuse for his behavior”, she hissed. “You’re wrecking yourself.”

He came closer and stared at her wildly. She flinched but without taking any steps back, knowing very well that while she would have no chance against him he wasn’t the kind of person who would use physical violence against her. That would have been way too platitudinous and crude for him.
So she stared back vigorously and stayed where she was even though he didn’t smell very good.

“Your crappy doctors messed with my health, they would have killed me if I hadn’t given them a hint to my diagnosis and you felt so guilty over this that you plotted Stacy into allowing you to cripple my leg. You failed. You screwed this and you know that. And now you’re coming here for an absolution. But you’re not getting it.”

He was in her face as she raised her voice an snapped back at him.

“This is nobody’s fault. This is only human error. On both sides, cause you know your role in this misdiagnosis very well. I’m sorry that it happened to you, but I’m certainly not begging for your absolution. What Stacy did was right. And what I did was right. The only one who’s wrong here is you.”

She had managed to get calmer over this and decided to take her chance before things were getting out of control again.

“I came here to give you your job back. Because that’s the only thing you’re really good at and you should do it”, she wearily said and looked at him, he returned the look still boiling with rage.

“Go”, he simply replied and the tone in his voice made it clear that he meant it.

She nodded and turned around, closing her eyes desperately as she walked away, ignoring the mess in his living room, ignoring the mess he was.

But it only took three days until he caved in.

+ + +

“I need new fellows”, was his way of telling her that when he walked in to her office, still looking miserable, unshaved, boozy and hurt.
The crutches he was still using weren’t helping this impression.

She felt a load being taken off her mind and suppressed a smile.

“Fellowships are over, so you’ll need new ones anyway", she said.

“And I want a new office, need more space now with the bum leg”, he added and she shrugged her shoulders.

“Sure”, she said indifferently.

“Parking space in front of the main entrance?” he pushed it even further and she gave him a dark look in response.

He frowned. “Are you going to give me everything I want from now on ?” he asked and she shook her head.

“No. You still have to do clinic duty”, she stated and he instantly turned around.

“I’m out”, he said curtly and opened her office door again.

She stood up. “You came here. You want this job. Don’t be a jerk”, she tried to hold him back with a sharp tone in her voice and he looked at her.

She looked worn-out, her dress was too loose around her waist and the dark circles under her eyes told him that the past weeks hadn’t passed without leaving a trace in her life or in her heart. But she would never admit that, not even to herself.

“Why do you want me back ?” he asked still convinced that guilt was her motive. And her female need to put everything in order, to make the world a happier place, to rescue every puppy from the streets.

“You’re the best diagnostician I’ve ever met. There's no one else I'd want to hire to run the Diagnostics department. And I know you love your job. I need you. And you need this. It’s just a deal”, she explained determinedly and coldly and he finally nodded.

“I also want tenure”, he replied after a pause.

“I’ll see what I can do”, she gave in and he pointed his finger at her.

“Oh, you’re so guilty, this is gonna be fun !” he cheered victoriously and limped out of her office feeling his new friend, the constant physical pain in his leg covering the pain of his wrecked soul.

The pain would always remind him that he was still there, there would never be a feeling of nothingness, or emptiness, or peace. There would always be this stabbing.
The life running through his veins would from now on hurt him with every beat of his heart.
But it hardly made a difference. It had always been like that.
Only now the pain was tangible which made it treatable.

Her pain, though, the guilt she was feeling no matter whether it was justified or not, would always lurk in a corner of her conscience ready to come out whenever he needed it.

And that was perfect, it would make her softer and also...more treatable.

He knew he was right because she was already softer, she had put down her weapons to save him, knowing this job was the only thing that would give him a focus.

+ + +

When he left the hospital through the main entrance he closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the cold sweet spring air.
Then he walked to his car and tossed the crutches into the trunk for the last time.
And instead of the crutches he pulled a shiny metal cane out of the trunk again and got into his car, smiling.
Those crutches made him look worse than he was. But they had definetely served their purpose to manipulate Cuddy.

Cuddy was at the same time standing at her window, staring at the tree stretching out its branches that were carrying the first blossoms of spring.
Her eyes followed the lining of the brick wall across from her window and she shook her head.

She knew he was right about her guilt.

But sometimes you had to surrender to win something.
And she had won his life back.

He would never acknowledge that, but she knew it and that was enough.

A day later in the present

House was resting his chin on his elbow on the nurse’s desk and was somberly watching Cuddy who kept promenading around the hall as if he didn’t exist.
He had done this the whole morning and Cuddy had so far played along perfectly by ignoring him, letting him feel that she really meant what she had said the evening before.

Eventually she did look up from her files though and their eyes met.
Her lips twitched and her eyebrows followed and she looked back down on her file and vanished in an exam room.

She was feeling guilty, House established satisfied. Which meant that this wasn’t over.

Three minutes later she came out of the exam room again and her eyes intuitively searched for him who was still leaning against the desk and lifted his brows at her victoriously when their eyes met again. The fact that she didn’t walk over to him to tell him to do his clinic duty but grabbed another file instead and vanished behind the next exam room door confused the nurses just as much as it pleased him.

“Is she really pregnant again?” one of the nurses asked him conspiratorially and he looked at her innocently.

“I don’t know”, he shrugged his shoulders and widened his eyes.
“She does look a little bloated, though, doesn’t she ?” he added chattily and the nurse frowned and turned away disappointedly so that he could continue staring at the door behind which Cuddy was with a patient now.

The darkness in his stare told everyone who took the time to study his face that he was brooding over something that was severly bugging him.
Or that he was trying to open the exam room door via telekinesis.

After a while he straightened up. He needed a break, at least to pee.

That he could annoy her that much with his simple presence made it almost too easy for him. She would give in before he would be able to come up with a cunning plan.
That wouldn’t be any fun.
So maybe he should give her a break, too, so that he could brood over this in his office and that he could order that giant playpen.
He had already measured the space in her office and was looking forward to feeding the hospital gossip by turning her office into a day nursery.
He smirked.
Maybe a breast milk pump on her shelf, next to the coffee machine might look nice, too. After all he still had to get back at her for the tofu delivery.
With that thought on his mind he left his position at the desk and walked towards the elevators.

At the same time Cuddy was listening to her patient’s complaints on the other side of the door as she suddenly felt a strange fluttering inside her. First she thought it was just her stomach telling her she needed lunch. But then she realized that there was a pattern behind the fluttering. She placed her hand on her stomach, and looked down, feeling nothing, but knowing what this was.
It just went away as quickly as it had started so that it had no time to really reach her conscience.

“Are you still listening ?” the patient asked irritatedly when he saw that Cuddy had stopped taking notes and she looked up at him.

“Please, continue”, she told him as if nothing had happened and tried to suppress a smile while listening to the patient’s anxious complaints that had already told her after one sentence that he just had hemorrohoids but was convinced he had a parasite.

She finally stood up and gave him a prescription.

“You don’t have a parasite inside your belly”, she told him firmly. “I do, but you only have hemorrhoids”, she added and he gave her a weirded-out look, taking the prescription from her, listening to her instructions.

When she left the exam room she still felt thrilled and flattered by the first quickening of her baby.
She felt like holding up a giant sign that would tell everyone what was going on.
She immediately looked over to the nurse’s station where she expected to see House who had spent the whole morning pouting, miserably observing her, refraining from lifting even a finger to help her with the clinic work, trying to annoy her.
But he was gone and she sighed, disappointed.
Because he would have noticed that something was different, because he was the only one who knew, and probably the only one who would care.

She hesitated at this thought and then she wiped it away quickly. She had made up her mind, she had decided to walk this path on her own.

And this was her hospital, she had a job to do here and she finally had cleared her mind of the thoughts that had distracted her all the time during the past weeks.
She was now ready to focus on her life again, without having to focus on someone else's life, too.

“Page House”, she commanded the chatty nurse behind the desk. “There are still fifteen patients in the waiting area and he is going to see them”, she added strictly and went into her office where she took her white coat off and proceeded to her desk where someone had already put the mail in the right order for her.

But when she sat down it happened again and this time her hand instantly reached out for her stomach where she could now feel the bubbly flutters softly pounding against the palm of her hand.

And at the same time it struck her and she gasped, confused, irritated and flattered.
The realization that she would from now on never be alone in her life suddenly started flooding her mind, made her understand that this was something big.
And that she had no right to shut him out of this.
She closed her eyes in defeat, understanding that she was betraying herself.

Hadn't she herself told him that it was all about sharing moments like these ?
Hadn't that been the reason why she had been so miserable during her first pregnancy ?
What the hell had she been thinking ?

She saw him every day, he would be in this anyway.

She got up and left her office again.

“Don’t page him, I’ll take care of it myself”, she shot at the nurse.

“Too late, already did”, the nurse replied quickly as Cuddy was already halfway out of the clinic again but she was sure she’d find him in his office anyway.

She knew House, he never responded when the clinic paged him.
Not so this time, though.

The moment she got to the elevator and reached out for the button its door opened and he stared right at her, accompanied by Chase and Foreman.

Her mind went blank.

But this wasn’t high school and he wasn’t Danny the guy she had asked out on prom night in 10th grade.
Still her mind was just as fuzzy as it had been back then.

Chase and Foreman threw meaningful looks at each other and got out of the elevator, walking past House and Cuddy while House stayed inside the elevator, not moving, not averting his gaze from Cuddy.
It was almost as if the two of them were in a different dimension.
But that was what it had been like ever since Christmas and there were pretty credible rumours as to why it was like that.

“Uhm, I guess we’ll go ahead ?” Chase asked looking at Foreman and Cuddy turned around at them, nodding as if she wished she could just vaporize everything around her by simply looking at it.

She definetely seemed tense and the air around them seemed tense, too, loaded with electricity.
Chase and Foreman were glad they could leave the danger zone.

Cuddy’s eyes followed them carefully and when they were out of reach she looked back at House, feeling her mind getting numbed again.

She felt guilty and defensive, not sure whether he had moved back into that cage of his where no one would reach him.
But there was an unspoken invitation in his eyes that told her that the doors were still open, except for the back door.

“It. Moved”, she finally spat out unnanouncedly and unexpectedly tongue-tied and House frowned until he understood what she was trying to tell him.

Then all of a sudden he reached out for her arm and dragged her inside the elevator where he quickly pushed the button to the fourth floor, so that the door of the elevator closed before anybody else could get inside.

“What are you doing ?” she asked him and looked at him astonishedly.

“I wanna see it”, he simply replied and avoided her eyes that were skeptically peering at him.

+ + +

Five minutes later they had found an empty sonogram room and sneaked into it making sure they locked it from the inside.

She lay down on the exam table, feeling awkward and amazed. Because she herself wanted to see what she could feel for the first time now.
Up to now her pregnancy had just presented like a very bad case of gastroenteritis.
But with the morning sickness fading and the first subtle changes in her wardrobe she had finally started enjoying the pregnancy.

She watched House as he switched on the screen of the machine and chose the right settings, without looking at her once, without allowing her any insight into his mind.

“Now show me the boobs”, he told her as she had made herself comfortable on the exam table.

She gave him a condescending look, lifting her shirt while he was pulling her skirt down a little until the full curve of her little hump was exposed.

She flinched when he poured the gel on her sadistically slowly, but she remained silent and let him play.
His fingers wrapped around the scan head and he firmly pressed it on her stomach, turning the screen of the sonogram machine around so that they both could look at it.

She smiled.
Because in all his grumpiness he was still naturally caring and couldn’t hide it, no matter how much he tried.
And he was trying hard, looking at the screen professionally and seemingly unimpressed as if this were just a random scan of a random patient.

There it suddenly was, clearly visible.

Cuddy was surprised at how fast the baby girl was growing. She already had two arms and two legs and was softly bouncing up and down, awkwardly using her extremities, unmistakably alive and well. It was thrilling even though she had seen it a hundred times before on other people’s sonograms.

Still, her eyes let go of the baby eventually and focussed on him who had turned silent all of a sudden and was now watching the baby moving inside her.
He had to feel it, too.
He had lifted the scan head at the sight of the baby and was now carefully turning it in all directions until he froze at the sight of the girl’s face.
For the first time Cuddy could make out a nose and a tiny little chin and a mouth opening and closing from time to time.
But she could hardly decide whether to watch the baby or the amazement she saw glistening in House’s eyes and she suddenly felt that this was indeed everything she wanted.

It was all there in this room. And it seemed so simple all of a sudden.

“That’s one filthy parasite you have there”, he finally regained his speech not managing to cover the amazement in his voice, though.
“You’re gonna need a whole load of Ebendazole”, he finished and looked at her sincerely.

“Are you feeling okay ?” he asked her honestly caring because he saw the first trimester tiredness still drawing circles under her eyes.

She smiled, recognizing his caring as another commitment.

“I’m fine as long as the baby’s fine”, she replied and he nodded and lifted the scan head from her belly.

But she stopped him by laying her hand on his which made him look at her.

“You like her ?” she asked him softly, nodding towards the screen of the sonogram machine and he lowered his gaze and stared at the belly where he had felt the first quickening of his own daughter under his hand.

This was something big, even for him. And it would always be there, between them. It wasn’t up to her to decide whether he was in this or not. Fate had already decided.

“Of course I do”, he replied after a pause, almost sounding hurt that she was questioning that and she bit her lip when she sensed the vulnerability in his voice.
“She has your ass”, he added evasively. “She’s gonna be the hottest cheerleader in her high school’s football team.”

Cuddy let go of his hand and shook her head strictly.

“There’s no way she’ll ever become a cheerleader!” she contradicted and suddenly noticed an uncommon glossiness in his eyes.

“I hope you don’t expect me to talk her out of that”, he answered still not able to look her in the eyes and she shook her head, reconsidering her decision and her feelings about this strange new picture of a family the three of them were giving.

“I have no expectations of you. Just be you”, she finally said softly and placed her hand on his leg as he started cleaning up the scan head with a paper towel.

He looked away awkwardly and handed her a few of the towels she wiped the gel on her stomach away with.
The softness in her voice had touched him deep inside, making him feel light-headed and somehow vulnerable, feeling that she was taking wide steps further into his world, turning it more and more upside down with her love for him.

“So…”, he said after a moment of almost contemplative silence.
“I’m in?” he asked and looked at her with an idiotic expression on his face and she smirked but then her smile faded and her eyes focussed on him.

She had no idea how she was supposed to handle all the challenges of being his boss, loving him, having a family with him would confront her with.
But then again, Wilson had been right: If there was anyone who could handle all of that it was probably her.
And she had never liked worn-out patterns or mediocrity anyway.
This was basically a guarantee for an eclectic lifestyle.

They both were individuals that took so much space that there was hardly any room left for the other one, but she was ready to let him in because she knew he would never come too close, he would always respect her need for independence.
Because above all he got her, he respected her in between all those insults and sneers and he was there for her in his own special way. Yes, maybe he even loved her.

“Don’t screw this”, she replied sternly and pulled her shirt down and her skirt back up.

“I promise, I will”, he countered and she sat up until their faces were close and their eyes met again.

They looked at each other. As always fighting, getting lost and finding themselves again in each other’s eyes.

“This is us, then ?” she heard his grumpy harsh voice again and she nodded.

“Yes. This is us", she simply replied, feeling like she was drowning in his eyes.

He nodded, too, and looked down before he turned away and reached out for his cane to get up.

Oddly enough he was ready for this because he wanted to give her whatever she would ask for, even if he couldn’t give her that.
But she had turned into an addiction that was just as possessive as Vicodin, constantly living on his mind, challenging him, pleasing him, touching him.
She was doom and salvation at the same time.
But most of all, she was willing to love him for all he was and despite all he was.

“I’m not gonna hold your hand during labor”, he declared as he approached the door in order to unlock it before people outside would notice that there was something going on in that room.

She came after him though and stopped him, forcing him to turn around.

“I know”, she replied and he looked down at her.

“And I’m not gonna wipe the poop of its ass or get up in the middle of the night to feed it.”

“I know. And it’s a her”, she replied again, confident and stern.

“I’m not gonna drive her to her ballet classes”, he mocked her now and she blinked calmly, nodding again.

“I know.”

“I might beat up her boyfriends, though”, he offered her and she smiled.

“I’m sure you will”, she replied for the last time and took his hand to squeeze it.

He looked down at their hands, at their fingers intermingling and let his eyes wander over her face again sensing the memory of the taste of her skin all of a sudden.

“You’re not your Dad”, she repeated his own words meaningfully and hoped he would at the same time take this as an apology from her.

He nodded, understanding and accepting the apology.

“And all I need you to do is to love her”, she assured him and made sure he understood that by giving him one of her piercing spine-chilling stares.

“I guess that shouldn’t be too hard as long as she inherits my genius and your legs”, he silently admitted, because if this girl was only about to be half as gorgeous as her mother he would have to love her.

She smiled and let go of his hand unwillingly, immediately haunted by the frantic urge to touch him again, touch the soft baby blue T-Shirt covering his chest and smell the fabric of his black jacket...
Maybe his shoulder wasn’t the worst one to lean on after all, she thought when she felt the rush of blood to her head as dirty thoughts started conquering her conscience.
But he couldn’t see that, he had already turned around for the door again.

“So, what do you think ?” he then started mocking in a much louder voice when he had unlocked and opened the door.

“Should we go for the Elvis and Priscilla Wedding Theme or the Sonny and Cher one ?” he fed the hospital gossip.

Her arm shot forward as she shut the door again quickly and he flinched and turned around in surprise.

“Shut up!” she hissed and placed a rough kiss on his lips to silence him, pushing him against the door until he placed his hands on her waist and turned her around, now gently pushing her against the door in return.
Kissing her back in return, loving her back in return.

She laid her hands around his neck as she got on her tiptoes to sink into him and into the kiss.
His hand moved down on her back, over her bottom and back up until it glid under her shirt as she reached out for his wrist and pulled it away again, forcing him to slow down, when she remembered where they were. And he let go, trying a different approach over her front, letting his fingertips brush her soft warm skin. Just before she stopped him again.
She smiled into their kiss.

They were fighting again.
That was their way of loving each other.

Before this kiss could turn into another one of their hazy dances of arousal they parted breathlessly.

“So, that’s how you plan on making me do clinic duty from now on ?” he glared at her wildly.
“Office sex for starters, then sex in the exam room, in the O.R., in the MRI, Pathology Lab, janitor’s closet ? God, this hospital is one giant playground for unusual sexual encounters. Especially once your pregnancy hormones turn you into a horny nymphomaniac”, he realized as she let her hands glide down his chest playfully and smiled.

“In your dreams”, she replied charmingly and pulled back, straightening her shirt again.

Then she looked down on herself, flattened her skirt, ran her fingers through her hair until her heart rate had dropped back to the usual sixty beats per minute.

“Okay, let’s go”, she commanded when she had reestablished her professional, administrative shell.

She looked up at him again and saw him smiling, like a hungry panther behind the shiny bars of his cage.
She smiled back and gave him an alluring glance that carried an unspoken promise before she turned around and opened the door, leaving the room with wobbly knees and followed by the looks of curious staff members.

Her lips curled as she was trying to keep up her shell, finding it almost impossible with House’s arm brushing her shoulder as he was walking next to her.

This was going to be impossible and challenging every step of the way, but it was going to be worth it.

Fin.